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Some Truths I Can’t Possibly Back Up With Facts or Actual Evidence
1.  Nicholas Cage is made up of fourteen failed former child actors who get revenge on the world by putting out bad movie after bad movie.

2.  Abraham Lincoln was shot, but he actually survived the attack.  What killed him was his wife constantly nagging him.  Am I right fellas?  Fellas??

3.  Everytime you touch yourself a homeless person gets food and water.

4.  In Antarctica it is illegal for penguins to cheat on their SAT’s.

5.  Sometimes I say intelligent things.

6.  Napoleon wasn’t that short.  He was alive during the “Big World Period” in which most humans grew to abnormally tall sizes. 

7.  If you cut off someone’s hands then they can’t play piano.

8.  Unlike the famous classic commercial, Native Americans are unable to cry.  The commercial was done with strings and special effects.

9.  Not only are aliens from another planet here among us, but they’re also Jewish.

10. Johnny Townsend was the first man to set foot on the soundstage where they faked the moon landing.

11.  Jessica Simpson averages approx. 4.3 boyfriends a week.

12.  Chicken tastes like polar bear.

13.  Johnny has made up 1.5 bajillion facts.

14.  A monkey is able to fling its own poo for 170 yards.  It can also give you AIDS. 

15.  If you ever see a bull in a china shop, then that bull probably has a good job and makes decent money.

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I figured it was time for a revised list of people I hate and why I hate them. These are the ones that anger me so much that I have to fight the urge to go into a major city mall and just start swinging a two by four wildly in the crowds.

1. Nicholas Cage.

Again, why all the hate? He has exactly ONE facial expression! ONE! That would be fine and dandy if you were playing a coma patient, but this guy is an “actor.” You could punch him in the face, kick him in the balls, and kill his dog, and his facial expression would never change. NEVER! His voice also never changes. Someone needs to pick up a hardback book and smack him in his receding hairline.

 

2. 11 year olds who play on Xbox Live.

Look, I don’t mind if 11 year olds play on Xbox Live. I do mind 11 year olds who think that by cussing they’re automatically put into the cool crowd. No. you’re not. You are annoying. Guess what kid? You’re going to grow up only to get laid off from your local Burger King. Hope you enjoy wellfare as you pay for groceries with food stamps.

 

3. All the comics in the newspaper besides Garfield.

I get the newspaper every day….and I always check out the comics. Sadly, there is nothing there to check out anymore! The days of Far Side are sadly gone. The only thing left that’s worth the print it’s printed on is Garfield. Dilbert is complete garbage. Did you know they still print Cathy? Hasn’t she shopped enough already? And please Beetle Bailey, you should have been discharged years ago. And for the love of everything sacred, let Ziggy get abducted by those stupid aliens. What happened to comics?

 

4. Old people who drive.

You can’t see that well. You aren’t able to drive above the speed of 25. And you pull out in front of me all the time! You should be thankful that I love my car more than I love myself (it’s my best quality) or I’d knock every one of your Buicks off to the side of the road. There would be a sea of broken Chrysler’s on the sides of the highways of North Carolina.

5. Valentine’s Day.

Is it a coincidence that Valentine’s Day is following Friday the 13th this year? I think not. They are both days full of bad luck and wishing to be murdered. Hallmark created this day to not only sell cards, but to really drive a point to those who have no one just how alone they are. I took the liberty of writing a few Valentine’s cards to Valentine’s Day.

Happy V-Day Valentine’s day. I hope someone hugs you till you suffocate and die.

Happy V-Day Valentine’s day! Thank you for reminding me that I’m a massive failure. I’ll be looking for you with a shot gun.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! BEEP you! BEEP you! You’ve been seeing him haven’t you! You’ve been seeing that BEEP hole! OH GOD I LOVE YOU!!!! *this is where the card shows a picture of me down on my knees and sobbing into my hands uncontrollably.

 

6. Pizza Places serving other things other than pizza.

I do not want to have to choose between pizza or lasagna at a pizza place! BEEP you PIZZA HUT!!!

 

7. Political Correctness.

This one really burns my biscuits. It ruins comedy. People read or hear something and they’re offended, so they feel they must make it so no one can hear or see what offended them. What jerk wads. If something makes me uncomfortable, I change the channel. I have that ability. Stop letting television raise your stupid kids and be an effing parent, you sorry wastes of space.

8. Me not being good at sports other than basketball.

My number one loved sport is basketball. I’m quite decent at it. At least I used to be. Since I’ve become the equivalent of a humpback whale after it’s ate a whole years worth of buffet food I’m not sure how good I am anymore. But I like to play other sports too. Yesterday I attempted tennis. I was so angry at myself for sucking at it. Want to know how much I sucked at it? I was serving. I tossed the ball up. And I swung my racket with all my might, just to miss the ball completely. To make matters worse, these 12 years olds on the court next to me were laughing at me, which wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t witness one of them playing WHILE talking on a cell phone.

9. People who quote jokes that are from 1997.

I don’t mind movie quotes from funny movies. That can start a great conversation. Plus there is nothing more guy like than trading Monty Python quotes. But you can’t say “Wasssssuppppppppp!” anymore. And guess what guy who’s in his mid 40’s. You might be a redneck jokes aren’t funny anymore either. You might be a redneck if you still laugh at redneck jokes. You might also be a redneck if your mom/sister cheats on you with your brother/cousin cause you joke using dated material.

 

 

 

 

Here is a chart that might help you better understand the things that I hate.

chart-graph-johnnyism-things-i-hate

How can one be happy when things are looking dim financially? Here are some simple things that will do just that.

1. Make a lot of money somehow.

2. Make more money after doing that.

3. Once money is made, then make even more money.

4. Find something you are good at. Then use that to make money.

 

 

Six People who deserve to be kicked in the face

1. Mariah Carey: if only to shut her up.

2. Nicholas Cage: His lack of facial expressions alone deserve this.

3. Paris Hilton: even though she has fallen off the radar a bit, she still deserves it for pretending she had talent.

4. Toby Keith: Do I even need to explain this one?

5. Rolling Stone Magazine political writers: I don’t really know their names even though I get the magazine. The reason being I don’t care. Please give me you’re review of the next Bright Eyes album, but forgive me if I wish to not read about how much you’d enjoy licking the ground that Barack Obama walked on and on how old and terrible John McCain is. And why do I not care? Because it’s only a matter of time before the Rolling Stone magazine thinks it’s bigger then what it is and can think it’s something more than an entertainment magazine. Oh wait…

6. PETA members: Do they not realize how great chickens taste?

 

 

 

Things that show the author of the blog was running out of ideas

1. You can sense the boredom in his words.

2. He makes a blog post with stupid lists.

3. He mentions that he makes a blog with stupid lists twice in a list.

 

 

While I do recognize that this blog post was completely stupid, I also will point out that without your vote I will become nothing more than a guy who cradles himself and wishes he just had someone to spoon with.  Okay so I’m already that, but still the point is vote for this post over at http://humor-blogs.com/.

Not only will be you saying that you love me, but you’ll also be saying that even when I post a blog that is complete crap that you will support it.  And that, my friends, is true loyalty. 

Has the upcoming election confused you? Don’t really know who to vote for? Do you feel yourself wondering what each candidate stands for? Have no fear my faithful reader, for I will tell you a little something about each candidate. This is where to come if you are an undecided voter.

 

1.

 

NAME: Barack Obama

NICKNAME: Barackie Boy, Mr. Suit and Tie, Sweet Cheeks

AGE: 47

POLITICAL PARTY: Democrat

MARITAL STATUS: Married. To a woman even.

 

LIKES:

long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners, scooters, the word “subliminal”, all three Shrek movies, Bruce Springsteen, the part in The Wizard of Oz that is in color, freeze tag, a cold refreshing Sprite, slowly letting America know he’s inexperienced.

DISLIKES:

old people, books, Quantum Leap, blondes, women, blonde women, anyone with the last name Clinton, blonde women with the last name Clinton.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Bring American troops back home. We’ll need them for when we invade the next country on the list (I’m looking at you, Iran)

-make health care affordable for those who could afford it.

-increase the minimum wage, thus raising the amount of money it takes to be considered poor.

-invade anywhere with global warming, since it is the real terrorist threat.

-make it so that every television station will run at least one commercial per half hour that shows how great Barack Obama is.

 

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 42

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

heat vision, super speed, flight, the ability to adapt and to say whatever pleases the group he just happens to be standing in front of, a really sweet looking cape.

 

2.

 

NAME: John McCain

NICKNAME: Cranky, Slow Poke, That One Guy From The Movie “Grumpy Old Men”

 

AGE: 72 (Mr. McCain wishes to inform the public that age is just a number)

 

POLITICAL PARTY: Republican

 

MARITAL STATUS: Has been married twice, once to his wife now, and once more back when he was involved in a love triangle with Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.

 

LIKES:

Matlock, Werther’s Originals, hard candy, social security, Medicare, pain medication, music before guitars were invented, driving 25 mph below the speed limit, Roy Rogers, Hardee’s breakfast, senior citizen discounts, waking up at 5:30 A.M.

DISLIKES:

Young people on his lawn, change, noise, music with drums, Vietnam, anyone with their original teeth, chewy food, 9:00 P.M, people not remembering the good ole’ days.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Defeat Terrorism. With his bare hands that he can’t raise above his head.

-Get rid of Rated R movies.

-Declare that everyone must own an “I Love My Grandpa” shirt.

-lower health costs on prostate exams.

-make 72 years old the new 40.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 63

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

yelling at young people, super strength, hip with the ability to break, supporting our troops while pointing out how no one else is, can take his teeth in and out of his own mouth.

 

 

 

3.

 

NAME: Johnny Townsend

NICKNAME: Shrekness, Bud, That Weird Guy Who Keeps Staring at Me

AGE: 25

POLITICAL PARTY: He represents all of America

MARITAL STATUS: Single, oh so very single…

LIKES:

America, chicken, girls who say they like him but only as a friend, basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, saving kittens stuck in trees, saving babies stuck in trees, being a people person, pretending to be President and learning how to handle being blamed for everything, Ford Mustangs, fast cars, fast women, slow women, smart women, dumb women, women with little or no standards, desperate women…(EDITORS NOTE: this goes on like this for another five or six lines, so I will fast forward it)….and blue women like on Star Trek

DISLIKES:

anyone who hates America, guns (unless you like guns then he does too), criminals, Nicholas Cage movies, Nickelback songs, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, Chinese checkers, he hates everything that you hate, unless you like that thing he hates, which in that case he likes it too…or hates it….wait did you say you liked it or hated it cause he totally agrees with you.

IF HE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-end world hunger

-make bad movies the new source of fuel, thus ending our gasoline crises by replacing it with a never ending source.

-he will end the pain women feel during child birth

-he will follow you to school and beat up those bullies who have been bothering you

-he swears to stop hurricanes in their tracks

-promises to rid the world of any movie that includes the words “Traveling Pants.”

-will replace the wheel with the triangle

-promises to acknowledge that he has no experience, but more than makes up for that with intelligence.

-promises to admit that he’s no intelligent.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: he claims to only wear tennis shoes that are made by 8 year old Korean children just like every other American.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

is a lot like Batman, minus the cool gadgets and skills and athletic ability, can leap tall pebbles in a single bound, his superb jumping ability allows him to complete many lay ups, thus allowing him to dominate any WNBA game.

 

 

 

There you have it. You’re three presidential candidates. Hopefully this little cheat sheet will help you in your decision.

On another note, I have been allowed to join the website http://humor-blogs.com/. This website lets you see a wide collection of humorous blogs. It also allows you to rank them. I am not above asking you to vote for me, since I could really use anything that could be construed as a small victory. So please go to that site (the link is on the side in my Blogroll). With your help, I can go from being ranked 796th overall to 782nd.

 

I thought I would end this helpful blog with a picture of the third candidate, Johnny Townsend, in action at a recent rally in Hickory, North Carolina.

CALIFORNIA
 

 

 

Oh California. A state full of movie stars and earthquakes. Where Lindsay Lohen can have people pay her to take pictures of her. If you look to the sky at night you can see the mysterious night sky ablaze in the monthly forest fires.

 

WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?
 

 

No one actually knows where the name California came from. Some say it came from a lonely Mexican named El Californus. Others say they don’t have time to care since they’re busy writing the new script for the Gilligan’s Island movie update.

 

CLIMATE
 

 

California is known for it’s warm climate. Every day is 80 degrees with a chance of becoming a snob.

 

CLIMATE EVENTS
 

 

– World Series Quake: named due to the fact that it tried to make a baseball game interesting, this powerful 6.9 earthquake killed 67 people and injured countless talent agents and hairdressers.

– Angora Fire: a huge wildfire that caused a ton of damage and hurt many peoples feelings. No one knows what caused this massive fire, but some believe that it was due to Ben Affleck’s career going down in flames.

 

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS
 

 

Disneyland: Where kids go to be scared by teenagers wearing big mouse heads. It is also the place that every quarterback visits after winning the Super Bowl.

Redwood National Park: Home to the beautiful Redwood Trees. These tall and majestic trees will soon be making way for a parking deck and a new convenience store/McDonald’s combo.

Hollywood: Where people go to live their dreams just to end up becoming alcoholics who drink their pain away every Friday night.

 

HISTORY
 

 

1848: The gold rush. Many people came to this new land after gold was discovered. Most ended up going back home and begging for their old dry-cleaning jobs back.

1869: the east is connected to California by railroad. Most trains are not allowed in, mainly because they weren’t good enough and didn’t follow the “in” crowd.

1908: the first movie starts production in California. The movie was met with luke warm reviews from the first movie critics. Most giving it one thumb up and one thumb down. Others maintain that these moving pictures will never take over as a new form of entertainment. Still others maintain that by making these “movies,” this will allow Dane Cook to somehow have a career.

1977: the personal computer is invented by who knows who. This event is frowned upon solely because it allowed pointless and stupid blogs to be invented, such as this one.

2008: Homosexuals are allowed to get married. When asked why they wanted to so badly, most homosexuals say they just want the chance to get a divorce like everyone else.

DEMOGRAPHIC
 

 

No one knows the exact population of California. Many are murdered everyday by robots who look like humans who come from the future. The governor has since passed a law making it illegal for robots to murder humans, known as the dreaded “Terminator Law.”

 

RACES
 

 

White: 52%

Black: 22%

Hispanic: 12%

Movie Stars: 11%

People Who Want to be Movie Stars: 18%

Failures: 78%

 

MAJOR CITIES
 

 

Los Angeles: A city full of broken dreams and shattered ash treys. It boasts the highest washed out movie star to normal person ratio in the country.

San Francisco: This city is known for its bridge and for the fact that the entire city comes in all colors of the rainbow. A city where men can hold other men’s hands and the heterosexual are beaten and have objects hurled at them. Most are never hurt however, since the citizens of San Francisco throw like girls.

Sacramento: No one knows how exactly this city became the capital. Many believe it knows somebody who knows somebody.

 

EDUCATION
 

 

25% liked the book better

75% liked the movie better because they didn’t have to read

 

RECREATION
 

 

Many Californians spend their off time reading movie scripts or writing movie scripts. Others become actors and spend their time trying to convince everyone that they aren’t gay. They do this by jumping on couches and forcing a younger woman from a sappy teenage drama show to marry them.

 

STATS AND FUN FACTS
 

 

State flower: golden poppy

Motto: Eureka! This is also the exact same phrase that Nicholas Cage utters when someone else thinks he can carry a movie.

More turkeys are raised in California then any other state. This is the only thing keeping the rest of the United States from pushing California out to sea.

There is a law in Pacific Grove that fines someone $500 for molesting a butterfly. I have no joke here since sometimes the truth is much more funny.

It is known as the Golden State. This is because the entire state was gold plated in 1992.

 

FAMOUSE CALIFORNIANS
 

 

Robert Frost: a poet. No one knows how he died. It is widely believed that he just got lost when he came to a fork in the road, choosing to take the path less traveled.

Leonardo DiCaprio: A passenger on the ill fated Titanic. Best known for drawing some chick naked and then drowning to let her live. Also known for taking a historical event and somehow ruining it by making it mainly about a love story. See also Pearl Harbor.

George Lucas: created an entire universe for which nerds can get lost in and pretend they have a purpose in life. Most believe Lucas to be some sort of god. Others spend their days on the internet, typing in their blogs about how much better the original Star War movies were than the newer ones.

Tiger Woods: an up and coming golfer. Mark my words, if he keeps practicing, he’ll be good someday.

Marilyn Monroe: An advocate for covers over huge vents. She was crucial in showing how dangerous they could be if you wore a dress.

Walt Disney: mostly known for having a funny name, he is now more famously known for creating a universe where parents could leave their kids to be raised by cartoons.

 

one of California’s many beautiful natural forests.

 

The town of Hollywood finally decided to put letters up so it’s residents would know how to spell it.  This came after years and years of people mistakingly spelling it as Holywood. 

 

 

This famous bridge connects California to Hawaii. 

 

In a surprise twist ending, this man was dead the whole time.

This may in deed be the shortest entry into this blog. I have decided that I miss a lot of things. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Arrested Development. Oh George Michael, you left us way to soon.

2. Aerosmith. Wait, that’s one I wish would leave.

3. Mel Gibson. Look Mellie, I know you might be a jew hater, but gosh darn it, I really enjoyed Signs.

4. Steve Carrell. I know he’s in movies, but they take to long to come out. My man crush grows on this man who is so talented I wish to become him. Or be adopted by him.

5. The Daily Show special reports. There are not enough of them.

6. America’s morals. Sorry, I had to include one thing slightly political.

7. British comedy. It just grows and grows more awesomely.

8. My golf game. Ok ok, I never actually had a golf game, but when I go to the golf course by golly I pretend.

9. Nicholas Cage’s acting ability. Oh ha ha ha. I keep forgetting he never had that.

10. Weekends. You wait all week for them to show up and then they only stay for two and a half days.

11. Girls telling me that there is a girl out there for me it’s just not apparently them. Hey wait a minute…I get this all the time.

12. Snakes. They have no legs yet still get around? That’s about as unnatural as MTV airing shows about teenage children who are unrealistically spoiled by their overly rich parents who let their teenagers run every aspect of their life and choose not to set boundaries so the kids come off as the rich snotty too good for everyone bast holes they really are.

13. The Far Side. Dang I love those cartoons.

And of course…

14.

 

 

Are there things you miss?  please i beg you to share.  Leave a comment!