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This week in the news…

 

1. GAS SHORTAGE!!

There was a gas shortage here in my home state of North Carolina. How do we, the smart and intelligent people of North Carolina handle such a crises? Why we panic and fill up our tanks at every chance we get! Seriously people… You do realize that when you have ¾ a tank you don’t need to top it off. That’s why the shortage became a crises. People are stupid. The news says there is a shortage. We better go get some even though we don’t really need it. That way we keep those who actually probably do need it from getting some. The same way Mormons get a bunch of wives even though some of us really need a girl friend, or at least a girl to pretend she’s interested in him. Selfish Mormons.

 

2. There was a story on abortion, but I stopped listening before the story was finished.

 

3. McCain suspends debate due to economy crises!

In theory this is a good move. The economy is in a crises. A crises caused by people who were really greedy and had power. So McCain decides he will suspend his campaign to work on it. Well that was then. Now he’s going to debate Obama tonight. Why? Cause the media will blast you for whatever decision you make. Just like I’ll blast the media no matter what they do. It’s fun. And I wasn’t even invited to this debate!!! Outrage!!!

SPECIAL IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Good evening. I’m Johnny Townsend. A candidate for the office of President of the United States. I am officially suspending my campaign while the country is in a terrible economic crisis until there is a resolution. Also because I only have a quarter of a tank of gas in my car. Thank you.

 

4. An Atheist Soldier claims he was discriminated against.

The soldier claims he was forced to attend events in which prayers were said. I got an exclusive interview with the soldier. Here is an excerpt from that interview.

ME: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of hating all that is good to talk to me.

SOLDIER: um…you’re welcome…

ME: Now, your identity is being withheld to protect you. But may I remind you that God knows who you are.

SOLDIER: (blankly stares)

 

 

That was just a small glimpse of the interview. To see the full interview, click HERE. Notice how nothing happened when you did? That’s because I didn’t actually interview him and made that part up. Thanks for playing along you’ve been great.

*Stephen Colbert recently interviewed a woman who was involved with some sort of atheist movement. I couldn’t get the video to load up right in this post, so I’ll post the link.  WARNING:  it’s definately PG-13 at least rated.  It has some slightly crude language and sexual references. 

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/180127/august-29-2008/better-know-a-lobby—atheism

 

5. Storm attacks North Carolina

A storm from the Atlantic ocean attacked the state, causing many residents to rush out and grab all the milk and bread that they possibly could. The winds gusted up to 40 miles per hour, causing many hats to become lost.

SIDE NOTE: why do we go for bread and milk when a weather event threatens to happen? A hurricane is coming. Let’s grab milk and bread. A snow storm is coming. Let’s grab milk and bread. I guess I can kind of see the bread. I mean you can always make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But the milk? If the power goes out then the milk isn’t going to do you much good.

 

6. America gold card commercial

I just saw a commercial in which a guy who is trying to catch a flight hands a woman a credit card. He was discriminated against only because his card had a picture of kittens on it. That is not the America I’m proud of. If I have a credit card and it had kittens on it you better treat me like you treat everyone else!

Just because I have this picture on my credit card doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person.

Tennessee, the volunteer state. From the majestic mountains to the place where the white guy who made black music ok for teenagers to listen to died on the toilet.

 

WHERE THE NAME COME FROM

 

Tennessee’s name comes from the Cherokee Indians. It got it’s start when the chief of the Cherokee saw a beautiful white woman. He couldn’t think of what to say, so asked her if she was from Tennessee. When she denied the allegations, he replied that she was the only ten he saw. Thus not only did Tennessee get it’s name, the first pick up line was born.

 

CLIMATE

 

Like many of the other states near Tennessee, it has weather like a woman, it can never decide what to do. Am I right guys? Guys???

 

MAJOR TERRIBLE EVENTS

 

There was once this huge storm, but it sort of covered the whole area. Tennessee felt a little left out so it decided to join in and declare that it had really low temperatures during that time. Tennessee residents were forced to put on an extra blanket.

 

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

 

-The Great Smokey Mountains. Come and see the beautiful mountains, stay to see the residents in the rural mountains see a book for the very first time.

-Dollywood. It took everything within me to not supply you with a Dolly Parton boob joke. I am trying to run a mature website here………but wow, how are those comfortable? It’s like she was stung and they became swollen…

-Graceland. This is where Elvis lived, ate, slept, ate some more, did a comeback schedule, then ate some more, then died. Many 45 to 55 year olds flock to this site to remember their good ole’ days of rebellion, when they went against their parents and wore skirts that went up to their knee caps and listened to that blasted devil music, otherwise known as Elvis and Buddy Holly.

 

HISTORY

 

-1780: West North Carolina and East North Carolina have an argument. West North Carolina got mad and went to it’s room, drawing a line in permanent marker that North Carolina cannot cross. Thus Tennessee was born. Tennessee and North Carolina still hang out sometimes, though their conversations are mainly filled with many awkward silences and some slight swearing.

-1838: The Cherokee Indians are uprooted. They are promised that if they go, they’ll get a new sharpened stick. Many Cherokee to this day have not received their sharpened stick, but many do not care since they are getting their jollies by watching the white man come to their casinos and push themselves ever closer to a divorce and suicide.

-1920: Tennessee became the 36th state to ratify the Amendment that gave women the right to vote. Causing many Tennessee residents to declare “Tennessee has women?”

 

PERCENTAGES

 

Whites: 65%

Off Whites: 20%

Guys hoping to be the next Brooks and Dunn: 43%

People who claim that “the volunteer state” is a good nickname: 33%

 

 

MAJOR CITIES

 

Memphis: The home of something….something has to be there…come on think…I really should of actually done research for this.

Nashville: Where country music lives and where your dog dies, your tractor breaks down, and you push all your friends away with your alcoholism.

 

EDUCATION

 

85% are able to read

19% think Garth Brooks should be President

 

FUN FACTS

 

 

-Tennessee doesn’t actually even exist. It’s a figment of your imagination.

-Tennessee is the only state in which you can never find a signal for your cell phone.

-Tennessee claims that even though it’s nickname is “The Volunteer State” that does not mean you can take advantage of it.

-Tennessee is actually a really big fan of the Johnnyism blog, and you aren’t going to let Tennessee be better than you now are you? ARE YOU???

-in a sworn statement at a Tennessee police department, Johnny signed a sworn affidavit claiming that he did indeed not actually know anything about the state of Tennessee and that he’s never even read a book before.

 

FAMOUS TENNESSEEIANS

 

Al Gore: tried to be president once, now spends his free time pretending to save the universe from a more tropical climate.

Morgan Freeman: Hi. My name is Morgan Freeman. I got a cool voice that reminds everyone of documentaries. I’m a better actor than Samuel L. Jackson. Without me, there would be no March of the Penguins.

Miley Cyrus: the fifteen year old with questionable judgment that your 11 year old daughter likes to imitate.

Elvis: The one man who single handedly went against the “man” by shaking his hips. Not only did he invent music, but he is credited with improving race relations. He actually freed the slaves. See Also: Eminem

If you turn this statue on it’s head, you can almost hear the ocean. 

 

This man is soley responsible for how great race relations are right now. 

 

3 out of 4 residents of Tennessee are involved in a country music band.  If you are not, you are considered scum and not allowed to vote. 

 

Some think that this is a photo of a football game.  Actually, it’s a photo of a riot at a Shania Twain concert.  It’s just a coincidence that there are people wearing orange football jerseys. 

 

This is what most people from Tennessee swear by.  Most residents swear that if this did not exist, then they would move.  Or probably just eat a different brand of ice cream.

 

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By doing so, you admit freely that you are a good person.

NORTH CAROLINA

 

North Carolina. What a beautiful state. It has three beautiful regions. Mountains, piedmont, and the ever eroding beaches. Come for the changing of the leaves, stay for the pig farms.

 

WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?

North Carolina was named after the feared dinosaur Northus Carolinius. It was known for it’s sharp teeth and it’s constant need for road construction.

 

CLIMATE

The climate in the state of North Carolina is considered awesome. And it’s only considered awesome if you love terrible weather. Enjoy the hot humid summers and the cold but not cold enough for snow winters.

 

CLIMATE EVENTS

A. Super storm of 1993- a huge storm that affected most of the united states, doing much damage and causing havoc to a lot of americans. Almost as much so as Dr. Phil.

B. Hurricane (pick a name any name) – many hurricanes have hit the area, causing massive erosion. The Cape Hatteras Lighthouse was quoted as saying “Oh no, not again.”

 

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

1. Outer Banks. Known for it’s vast areas of sand.

2. Putt putt. Massive putt putts everywhere. Miniature golf is the only thing that fuels North Carolina’s economy. You will be able to find any putt putt course you wish and play on, since most of them are now out of business and closed.

 

HISTORY

– North Carolina was officially discovered in 1584. Sir Walter Raleigh was sailing, trying to find a new land so he’d have a place to stash his pot.

– North Carolina was the 12th state to ratify the Constitution. It was the 1st state to decide that Hootie and the Blowfish should have a career, something they have yet to be forgiven for.

– Civil War – North Carolina was heavily involved with the civil war. From oppressing slaves to shooting Stonewall Jackson, their own general, and killing him. On a side note, it is one of the states in the south that still practices racism.

– the first airplane was built at Kitty Hawk. It was a short flight, so there were no peanuts or drinks available.

 

DEMOGRAPHIC

Has a population of 8,856,505, though this is not counting the illegal immigrants who make up most of Western North Carolina.

 

RACES:

Caucasians – 55%

African American – 42%

Latinos – 20 % (all 20% live in the same trailer)

 

MAJOR CITIES

Charlotte – home to many sports teams like the Charlotte Bobcats, the Carolina Panthers, and the lesser known Charlotte Bank Employees.

Raleigh – Home to tobacco. Raleigh has only a year to live thanks to the lung cancer it was just diagnosed with last week. It claims it can quit anytime it wants.

 

EDUCATION

1% can read at an adult level

99% like books with pictures

 

RECREATION

Most north Carolinians enjoy playing basketball. Although most will never turn pro due to their Caucasian tendencies.

 

STATS AND FUN FACTS

– state bird: cardinal

-state motto: “Enjoy our beaches while they’re still there.”

– High Point is considered the furniture capital of the world. So while there is nothing to do in High Point, you will always have a place to sit down.

– The Graveyard of the Atlantic is where many ships have sunk to their doom. It is a vast graveyard of sunken ships and broken dreams. The east coasts version of Las Vegas.

– Babe Ruth hit his first home run in North Carolina. He also invented the candy bar at the same time.

– North Carolina is home to many lavish meth labs. Some even have running water.

– It is the leader in tobacco production, and the leading cause of those annoying Truth ads.

– the oldest town in the state is called Bath, named after the very thing it’s residents refuse to partake in.

 

– 9 out of 10 radio stations play country music, which in turn really depresses me

 

 

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM NORTH CAROLINA

– Thomas Wolfe. A writer. Sadly, no one from his home state has ever read any of his books or heard of him at all.

– Clay Aiken. A singer of some sorts. It is unknown what sex Clay is, as well as why he/she is remotely popular.

– Andy Griffith. Actor. Whistler. He could arrest you for jay walking AND represent you in court.

– Dale Earnhardt. Race care driver. Known for driving in circles and turning left. Turning right is what killed him.

 

The map of North Carolina.   I only know this because it was labeled.

 

The Cape Hatteras Lighthouse.  Every day it inches closer and closer to it’s doom.

 

Nascar: the number two spectator sport in the world, behind competitive toastering.

 

the first flight of man.  the wright brothers only had a two hour delay and it only took them four hours to get through security and to check their luggage.

 

The Blue Ridge Parkway.  It is so beautiful that you barely notice the empty bear cans tossed to the side of the road.