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In a new series here on my blog, I will begin to tell you about things I know about. By doing so I am sure to not only impress you with my vast knowledge, but prove to all those doubters that I am as smart as I pretend to be.
These are the things I know about bears. Stephen Colbert has been right all along, these beasts are natures butchering machines.
1. People in the middle ages at one time thought bears could fly. These people were idiots. Everyone knows that bears do not fly, they glide from tree to tree.
2. Everyone assumes that Dr. James Naismith invented the game of basketball. Actually it was invented by a polar bear named Jim.
3. A bear not only is responsible for the Great Chicago Fire, it also successfully wrote a newspaper story that influenced the nation to blame a cow.
4. Bears are very good typists.
5. Bears are able to dunk at the age of 4.
6. Bears are known to steal human infants and make them knit their socks for pennies a day.
7. Can bears drive? Oh yeah. But they’re picky drivers. You will never see a bear behind the wheel of a Kia.
8. You know what’s so great about bears? Nothing. Nothing at all.
9. Never agree to watch a movie with a bear. They will only watch The Notebook.
10. Bears are afraid of butter, but not afraid of margarine.
11. BONUS BEAR FACT: Bears are big fans of Joshua Jackson.
12 DOUBLE BONUS BEAR FACT: Bears like to listen to Barry Manilow while working out.
This past week scientist revealed that it was extremely difficult to tell if a polar bear is male or female. Since I am an expert on polar bears, I decided I would show you the sure fire ways that you can tell what sex a polar bear is.
If the polar bear holds you one minute, but the next minute they rip your spine out, then it is a female.
If the polar bear refuses to ask for directions, then it is a male.
If the polar bear constantly nags you, telling you every single thing that you’ve done is wrong, then it is a female.
If the polar bear is always telling you how it should of married Stan who turned out to be a doctor, then it is a female (or male if in California).
If the polar bear has the ability to ignore anyone but a television, then it is a male.
If the polar bear really thinks Sandra Bullock is a great actress, then it is a female.
If the polar bear believes U2 are overrated, then it is a male.
If the polar bear begging for commitment, then it’s a female.
If the polar bear has poor taste in music, then it is most likely female.
If the polar bear is constantly destroying your self esteem, then it is female.