You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘President’ tag.

1. Miley Cyrus quits Twitter

Miley Cyrus has decided to quit her mega popular Twitter.  She said that she quit because she wants to keep her private life private.  She has ensured her privacy AND proved that she doesn’t want all that attention by releasing a rap song on Youtube that has over 2 million views already.  With that being said, I regret to inform you all that I shall be quitting my popular Facebook and Twitter updates.  I’m hoping to tell everyone that I just want my privacy by releasing a huge budget commercial that will air during the Superbowl.

mileycyrus

Please look at her so she can tell you that she doesn’t want attention.
 

 

2.  President Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize

President Obama was selected to win the Nobel Peace Prize this past week.  He won for all his hard work of making promises he hasn’t yet accomplished.  He has won by having goals, but not achievements.  Also announced, Tom Hanks will win an Oscar for whatever movie he’s filming next.  And my blog has won blog of the year for 2011.

noble_peace_prize

No one has cared about this award since the 1940s.
 

 

3.  NASA Bombs the Moon

On Friday, NASA bombed the moon stating that there could be weapons of mass destruction located there.  In other jokes circa 2004, George Bush says stupid things.

moon

If we don’t bomb the moon, then the terrorists win.
 

4.  AH-NOLD SIGNS BILL TO HONOR HAR-VEY MILK

California governor Arnold Schwarenegger signed a bill that honors the first openly gay politician elected to office Harvey Milk.  When asked why, Governor Schwarenegger said “I honor Harvey Milk because milk did Ahrnold’s body good.  Ahrnold drunk milk everyday and got muscles on top of muscles. Go see my movie, Jingle All The Way with Sinbad, yahh fun for the whole family.”  Harvey Milk is heralded in the gay community.  He’s Harvey Milk, and while he may not have recruited you, he certainly wanted to grab your genitals if you were a man.

arnold-schwarzenegger-the-terminator

He has come from the future to warn you that he will become governor of California

 

That’s what’s in the news.  In leaving, please know that I enjoy statistics.  So I recently asked a bunch of people If they were glad that they found my blog site.  This pie chart illustrates their responses.

chart graph are you glad you found my blogs

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We now have a new President. And by putting in office this new President, we made history. I watched the inauguration. What stood out the most to me? Was it Dick Cheney being wheeled around in a wheel chair like a cranky rich white guy who’s about to croak? Was it the fact that the Mrs. Obama looked like she let a blind Disney character dress her? Was it looking out over how big the crowd there was, wondering why in the heck would you go to it if you were going to be four miles back (just watch it on television or the computer)? No. What really struck me was Aretha Franklin.

I completely understand why you have Aretha Franklin sing at a ceremony that is putting into office the first African American president. But did anyone ever think to see if she could sing anymore? She is up in the age now. Her voice is close to gone. Here were a few of my thoughts I was thinking while she was attempting to murder a song.

* I wish I was there so I could chop her in the vocal chords.

*I would pay someone to walk up to her and punch her in the throat.

*If someone was to just drop a bomb on the ceremony, while it would be a terrible, terrible thing, the bright side would be that her singing would be over.

*The best thing about her performance is her hat, and it’s a terrible looking hat.

*I wonder if she is actually made up of a group of four midgets.

*She still tries to put soul into it, but the cold crisp of the air and the cold grip of a ever closer death have robbed her of that ability.

*If I don’t find a girlfriend soon, I may consider dating Aretha Franklin.

*I wonder if Aretha only dates black guys….

This is an uncertain time. America has just elected a new president. Some people are worried about what the future will hold. Fear not, for I have just discovered that I have the ability to tell what exactly will happen 5-10 years from now. I must share this gift.

*Barack Obama will win a second term, only to have everyone get angry at him and scream for change. This will lead to a republican president, only to have the cycle repeat itself.

*Britney Spears will make yet another comeback, this time doing a duet album with Michael Jackson where she will dress sexy, but he will ignore her whenever her young son is around.

*McDonalds will bring back the McRib fourteen more times.

*Lindsay Lohan will turn straight, only to turn gay again once people start to not pay her any attention.

*Jessica Simpson will attempt rap music, thus making her officially failing at every genre of music.

*The NFL will eventually quit playing real live football games, and will instead have a representative of each team play each other in a game of Madden.

*George Lucas will re-re-release yet another special edition of Star Wars, this one including the infamous lost footage of Jabba the Hutt making out with Jar Jar Binks.

*Atheists will lose when the announcer’s next command is “those who believe in something please step forward.”

*High School Musical 7 will be released, ushering forth three more years kids breaking into song in public schools all across the nation.

*Saw XIX will also be released, proving that you can run out of ways to kill people.

 

 

And now I shall reveal to you the horoscopes for the next 10 years.

ARIES: You will go through your life believing there is still some good in humanity, only to have that belief come crashing down upon you after all your friends give you Nickelback cd’s for Christmas.

TAURUS: You will go to the movies expecting to see the next Batman movie. Soon you realize that you went into the wrong theater and must sit through the sequel to Mama Mia. You will have a piece of good luck, however, remembering to bring your shot gun when you left your house. You then end your own suffering as well as the suffering of all those poor souls around you.

GEMINI: You will full fill your destiny of disappointing your parents when you bring a Muslim home with you.

CANCER: You will finally be able to give up drugs when you discover that sniffing Kool-Aid powder gives you much more of a high.

LEO: You will shoot Santa Claus late one Christmas Eve after you mistake him for a burglar. You then become the most hated person in the entire world. Your shins will never recover from all the kicking the kids of the world will give you.

VIRGO: You will win 100 dollars. This is significant because it will be the last time you have any money.

LIBRA: All those hours of doing nothing but playing video games will come in handy when you save the world when a combination of aliens, Nazis, and four floating different colored ghosts attack. You will also grab the bouncing banana, giving you 10,000 bonus points.

SCORPIO: Your journey as a vegetarian will end after you discover that animals taste really, really good.

SAGITTARIUS: You will become the most unimportant person in the world. I’d tell you why, but you really don‘t matter.

CAPRICORN: Your life will come to an abrupt end after you and some friends decide to check out the old abandoned house at the end of the road. You will become the first to die, surprising the whole group considering you aren’t African American nor the comedic relief.

AQUARIUS: You will become famous and well liked for the things you write. Your humor and wit and charisma will be known in all points of the earth. Then you will wake up from that dream and be welcomed back to your reality of Chef Boyardee and empty pizza boxes.

PISCES: You will find the cure to what makes Michael Jackson the way he is. Your life will then be set as you are asked to do the same with the Catholic Church.

 

There you have it. All these things are in our future. I have foreseen it!

Check out this story a local news station did on me and my bid for the presidency. Presidential Campaign.

Click on the link to see the story! 

 

Vote for me in November, and you won’t be sorry.  Well, you might be sorry, but I’ll be President so I won’t care what you think or what you’re going through.

My fellow americans, I am here today to accept the independent/non important party’s ticket to run for president of the United States.

(wait for applause to die down)

I come from a family that worked hard. A family that showed love and compassion. My father was a cow pie detector, who worked day and night to provide for his family! He also cooked the food without washing his hands! We grew stronger during these hard times.

I vow to you all that I will do everything in my power to improve the conditions of this great nation! I will pave roads that are dirt. I will dirt roads that are paved!

The economy is in real danger. I promise to fix that right away. I will make it so that all loans will be approved! No credit? BAM! No problem. Bad credit? BAM! That’s ok come right on in sir you got yourself a loan! This will single handedly fix our broken economy. By approving every loan, there will be more houses. Everyone will have a house during my presidency. No loan will go unapproved! The economy has never been hurt by doing this act. And please don’t fact check what I say.

I will do in Iraq what the united states people want to be done! I will have every citizen vote for what they wish to do. And if that result is much too close, I shall have every citizen place their name in a hat and I will draw from that hat. The person who’s name I draw will then have the pleasure of telling me what to do with the Iraq war situation! This way I will be listening to the people and protecting myself from any sort of criticism when the results start to show!

I will help those who need help! The poor need help! I will lower taxes on not only the poor, but those who are so poor the other poor feel sorry for them and spit in their mouths to give them something to drink!

And what about the Eskimos? These people are criminally overlooked! They live in houses made out of giant ice cubes for crying out loud! We here don’t realize the dangers the sun can cause! We go out and get a tan while their shelter melts! My opponents ignore this growing issue. I shall not do the same!

What about Stan Johnston? A man who worked at a local automotive plant that was shut down. Who now has no way to provide for his family. Who now must work on the streets at night, selling his body just so his 5 year old son can have a McDonald’s happy meal.

What about Shannon Smith? A 18 year old single mom who wants to go to school but can’t because it cost so much and she has a child. Someone who can’t get anyone to watch her kid for her cause it cries to much and only lets people watch Blues Clues.

What about Lebron James? Who is forced to play professional basketball so his family will not starve to death. Who must throw down vicious dunks of fury to provide his family with a swimming pool. Who must sign endorsement deals with Sprite just so he can give his son his own pinball table. A man who has to sign multi million dollar deals just so he can buy his mom a house.

And what about Johnny Townsend? A man who sits at home, every night, alone…who’s only contribution to the world is a blog that’s worth about two pennies and that has no social worth what so ever…a man who women haven‘t found attractive in decades…a man who…hey wait a minute…

(pause to realize he was talking about himself)

I worry about the state of all these people. And many more. I have met many different people from many different walks of life. They each have their own stories to tell.

I am honored to have been selected for this. My opponents are taking everything for granted. John Mccain is old and growing more senile with every piece of hard candy he puts into his senior citizen lips. Barack Obama is too young and too inexperienced, I heard he isn’t even completely potty trained.

 

My fellow citizens, now is a time to come together. A time to heal and a time to feel. And with me driving this ship WE…WILL….GET….THERE!!!

Thank you. Good bye and God bless.

Has the upcoming election confused you? Don’t really know who to vote for? Do you feel yourself wondering what each candidate stands for? Have no fear my faithful reader, for I will tell you a little something about each candidate. This is where to come if you are an undecided voter.

 

1.

 

NAME: Barack Obama

NICKNAME: Barackie Boy, Mr. Suit and Tie, Sweet Cheeks

AGE: 47

POLITICAL PARTY: Democrat

MARITAL STATUS: Married. To a woman even.

 

LIKES:

long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners, scooters, the word “subliminal”, all three Shrek movies, Bruce Springsteen, the part in The Wizard of Oz that is in color, freeze tag, a cold refreshing Sprite, slowly letting America know he’s inexperienced.

DISLIKES:

old people, books, Quantum Leap, blondes, women, blonde women, anyone with the last name Clinton, blonde women with the last name Clinton.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Bring American troops back home. We’ll need them for when we invade the next country on the list (I’m looking at you, Iran)

-make health care affordable for those who could afford it.

-increase the minimum wage, thus raising the amount of money it takes to be considered poor.

-invade anywhere with global warming, since it is the real terrorist threat.

-make it so that every television station will run at least one commercial per half hour that shows how great Barack Obama is.

 

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 42

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

heat vision, super speed, flight, the ability to adapt and to say whatever pleases the group he just happens to be standing in front of, a really sweet looking cape.

 

2.

 

NAME: John McCain

NICKNAME: Cranky, Slow Poke, That One Guy From The Movie “Grumpy Old Men”

 

AGE: 72 (Mr. McCain wishes to inform the public that age is just a number)

 

POLITICAL PARTY: Republican

 

MARITAL STATUS: Has been married twice, once to his wife now, and once more back when he was involved in a love triangle with Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.

 

LIKES:

Matlock, Werther’s Originals, hard candy, social security, Medicare, pain medication, music before guitars were invented, driving 25 mph below the speed limit, Roy Rogers, Hardee’s breakfast, senior citizen discounts, waking up at 5:30 A.M.

DISLIKES:

Young people on his lawn, change, noise, music with drums, Vietnam, anyone with their original teeth, chewy food, 9:00 P.M, people not remembering the good ole’ days.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Defeat Terrorism. With his bare hands that he can’t raise above his head.

-Get rid of Rated R movies.

-Declare that everyone must own an “I Love My Grandpa” shirt.

-lower health costs on prostate exams.

-make 72 years old the new 40.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 63

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

yelling at young people, super strength, hip with the ability to break, supporting our troops while pointing out how no one else is, can take his teeth in and out of his own mouth.

 

 

 

3.

 

NAME: Johnny Townsend

NICKNAME: Shrekness, Bud, That Weird Guy Who Keeps Staring at Me

AGE: 25

POLITICAL PARTY: He represents all of America

MARITAL STATUS: Single, oh so very single…

LIKES:

America, chicken, girls who say they like him but only as a friend, basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, saving kittens stuck in trees, saving babies stuck in trees, being a people person, pretending to be President and learning how to handle being blamed for everything, Ford Mustangs, fast cars, fast women, slow women, smart women, dumb women, women with little or no standards, desperate women…(EDITORS NOTE: this goes on like this for another five or six lines, so I will fast forward it)….and blue women like on Star Trek

DISLIKES:

anyone who hates America, guns (unless you like guns then he does too), criminals, Nicholas Cage movies, Nickelback songs, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, Chinese checkers, he hates everything that you hate, unless you like that thing he hates, which in that case he likes it too…or hates it….wait did you say you liked it or hated it cause he totally agrees with you.

IF HE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-end world hunger

-make bad movies the new source of fuel, thus ending our gasoline crises by replacing it with a never ending source.

-he will end the pain women feel during child birth

-he will follow you to school and beat up those bullies who have been bothering you

-he swears to stop hurricanes in their tracks

-promises to rid the world of any movie that includes the words “Traveling Pants.”

-will replace the wheel with the triangle

-promises to acknowledge that he has no experience, but more than makes up for that with intelligence.

-promises to admit that he’s no intelligent.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: he claims to only wear tennis shoes that are made by 8 year old Korean children just like every other American.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

is a lot like Batman, minus the cool gadgets and skills and athletic ability, can leap tall pebbles in a single bound, his superb jumping ability allows him to complete many lay ups, thus allowing him to dominate any WNBA game.

 

 

 

There you have it. You’re three presidential candidates. Hopefully this little cheat sheet will help you in your decision.

On another note, I have been allowed to join the website http://humor-blogs.com/. This website lets you see a wide collection of humorous blogs. It also allows you to rank them. I am not above asking you to vote for me, since I could really use anything that could be construed as a small victory. So please go to that site (the link is on the side in my Blogroll). With your help, I can go from being ranked 796th overall to 782nd.

 

I thought I would end this helpful blog with a picture of the third candidate, Johnny Townsend, in action at a recent rally in Hickory, North Carolina.