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More What I Know About Bears

>Bears refuse to believe that the first three episodes of Star Wars ever happened.

>Bears enjoy a mild climate.  This is purely due to the fact that with a milder climate, there are more humans to maul.

>A bear once came in 3rd in the Boston Marathon.

>Macaulay Culkin’s stunt double during the Home Alone movies was a bear.

>Bears can not only stand on their back feet, they can also shadow box.

>95% of bears are Scientologists.

This is the deadly Bi-Polar Bear.  One minute you think it’s all cute, then the next minute it’s biting your head off because you happened to think that American Idol has run it’s course.

These bears pretend to be all caring, but actually they’re federally wanted drug dealers.

This bear won the 1984 National Spelling Bee and also became The World Sewing Champion in 1992.

This famous bear was known for his stand up comedy which not only led him to have a long running sit-com in which he was married to an out of his league attractive woman, but also to many stints in rehab.

In a stunning showing of survival, this Polar Bear lived on top of a giant frozen mushroom for 44 days before realizing it could probably swim.

These bears were caught in the middle of a slow motion run and hug.  Or a bear hug if you will (for those keeping count, that is approximately the 4569th bear pun I have ever come up with).

This bear is considered one of the creepiest bears around, simply for the fact that it always wears pants but never wears a shirt.

This bear is wanted in fourteen states for vicious pic-nic basket robberies.

Today I am going to make a huge announcement. I feel it is my duty to announce to you all that I, Johnny Townsend, have become a Scientologist.

I’ll let that shock hit you for a bit.

Now I suppose the question you are asking is “why?” I will tell you. Just for signing up to be a Scientologist, you get all this!!!

-They don’t judge you if you go insane.

-You get a free autographed picture of Tom Cruise.

-25% off at any Wal-Mart or Sam’s Club.

-30 free music downloads from Napster.


As you can tell, it’s easy to see why I would join up. All I had to do was to believe that a science fiction writer came up with a legitimate religion and set of beliefs. That was easy!

I will start this new religion after my duties are done this month at my current church. I don’t want to be put in an awkward situation with Christianity.

But why else did I decide to become a Scientologist? That’s easy. I really, really dig those Star Wars flicks.

Besides, if Scientology doesn’t work out for me I can always join the church of the Jedi.


Okay. I have a confession. I didn’t join the church of Scientology. I was going to go undercover and join their ranks just to better understand them and their foreign ways. That is until they told me how much it cost to join. Besides, that Hubbard dude was a weirdo. And not the good kind of weirdo like Dwight from The Office or Gonzo from the Muppet Babies. No, just a weirdo.


QUICK CHINESE FACT #2:  The chinese government have long had a reputation of being strict.  They have sense become more loose, especially on women’s rights.  The government officials now only point their guns at 44% of the women population.  I had a quick conversation with a chinese woman recently when I visited China.  Here is a small portion of that conversation.

ME: How much more free do you feel now that the Chinese government is allowing you to do more things?

WOMAN (she asked to not be identified, which is just fine since I couldn’t spell her name anyways): Yes I feel more free.  Now excuse me, I must go.  They have my family.