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Has the upcoming election confused you? Don’t really know who to vote for? Do you feel yourself wondering what each candidate stands for? Have no fear my faithful reader, for I will tell you a little something about each candidate. This is where to come if you are an undecided voter.

 

1.

 

NAME: Barack Obama

NICKNAME: Barackie Boy, Mr. Suit and Tie, Sweet Cheeks

AGE: 47

POLITICAL PARTY: Democrat

MARITAL STATUS: Married. To a woman even.

 

LIKES:

long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners, scooters, the word “subliminal”, all three Shrek movies, Bruce Springsteen, the part in The Wizard of Oz that is in color, freeze tag, a cold refreshing Sprite, slowly letting America know he’s inexperienced.

DISLIKES:

old people, books, Quantum Leap, blondes, women, blonde women, anyone with the last name Clinton, blonde women with the last name Clinton.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Bring American troops back home. We’ll need them for when we invade the next country on the list (I’m looking at you, Iran)

-make health care affordable for those who could afford it.

-increase the minimum wage, thus raising the amount of money it takes to be considered poor.

-invade anywhere with global warming, since it is the real terrorist threat.

-make it so that every television station will run at least one commercial per half hour that shows how great Barack Obama is.

 

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 42

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

heat vision, super speed, flight, the ability to adapt and to say whatever pleases the group he just happens to be standing in front of, a really sweet looking cape.

 

2.

 

NAME: John McCain

NICKNAME: Cranky, Slow Poke, That One Guy From The Movie “Grumpy Old Men”

 

AGE: 72 (Mr. McCain wishes to inform the public that age is just a number)

 

POLITICAL PARTY: Republican

 

MARITAL STATUS: Has been married twice, once to his wife now, and once more back when he was involved in a love triangle with Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.

 

LIKES:

Matlock, Werther’s Originals, hard candy, social security, Medicare, pain medication, music before guitars were invented, driving 25 mph below the speed limit, Roy Rogers, Hardee’s breakfast, senior citizen discounts, waking up at 5:30 A.M.

DISLIKES:

Young people on his lawn, change, noise, music with drums, Vietnam, anyone with their original teeth, chewy food, 9:00 P.M, people not remembering the good ole’ days.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Defeat Terrorism. With his bare hands that he can’t raise above his head.

-Get rid of Rated R movies.

-Declare that everyone must own an “I Love My Grandpa” shirt.

-lower health costs on prostate exams.

-make 72 years old the new 40.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 63

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

yelling at young people, super strength, hip with the ability to break, supporting our troops while pointing out how no one else is, can take his teeth in and out of his own mouth.

 

 

 

3.

 

NAME: Johnny Townsend

NICKNAME: Shrekness, Bud, That Weird Guy Who Keeps Staring at Me

AGE: 25

POLITICAL PARTY: He represents all of America

MARITAL STATUS: Single, oh so very single…

LIKES:

America, chicken, girls who say they like him but only as a friend, basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, saving kittens stuck in trees, saving babies stuck in trees, being a people person, pretending to be President and learning how to handle being blamed for everything, Ford Mustangs, fast cars, fast women, slow women, smart women, dumb women, women with little or no standards, desperate women…(EDITORS NOTE: this goes on like this for another five or six lines, so I will fast forward it)….and blue women like on Star Trek

DISLIKES:

anyone who hates America, guns (unless you like guns then he does too), criminals, Nicholas Cage movies, Nickelback songs, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, Chinese checkers, he hates everything that you hate, unless you like that thing he hates, which in that case he likes it too…or hates it….wait did you say you liked it or hated it cause he totally agrees with you.

IF HE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-end world hunger

-make bad movies the new source of fuel, thus ending our gasoline crises by replacing it with a never ending source.

-he will end the pain women feel during child birth

-he will follow you to school and beat up those bullies who have been bothering you

-he swears to stop hurricanes in their tracks

-promises to rid the world of any movie that includes the words “Traveling Pants.”

-will replace the wheel with the triangle

-promises to acknowledge that he has no experience, but more than makes up for that with intelligence.

-promises to admit that he’s no intelligent.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: he claims to only wear tennis shoes that are made by 8 year old Korean children just like every other American.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

is a lot like Batman, minus the cool gadgets and skills and athletic ability, can leap tall pebbles in a single bound, his superb jumping ability allows him to complete many lay ups, thus allowing him to dominate any WNBA game.

 

 

 

There you have it. You’re three presidential candidates. Hopefully this little cheat sheet will help you in your decision.

On another note, I have been allowed to join the website http://humor-blogs.com/. This website lets you see a wide collection of humorous blogs. It also allows you to rank them. I am not above asking you to vote for me, since I could really use anything that could be construed as a small victory. So please go to that site (the link is on the side in my Blogroll). With your help, I can go from being ranked 796th overall to 782nd.

 

I thought I would end this helpful blog with a picture of the third candidate, Johnny Townsend, in action at a recent rally in Hickory, North Carolina.

In an effort to let my readers feel more connected to me, I told everyone at the start of this blog that I would be more personal. Recently, someone asked me a question that I had never been asked before. They asked me “why do funny guys want to stop being funny?”. I like to think of myself as “having a sense of humor” so I feel like an expert in this area. So let me count you the ways.

1. Women.

Yes, women. The opposite sex often dictates how we carry ourselves and/or the changes we make. We want to impress them or to make them notice us. So what do you do if you aren’t hot? Aren’t at least sort of ok looking? You grow your personality. One aspect of personality is having a sense of humor. I was in the sixth grade when I realized I had a gift. I was sitting in class when the teacher asked a question. Without thinking I raised my hand and said something sarcastic and slightly cynical. That’s when a star was born.

I didn’t have much luck with the ladies in school (I have even less luck now). I was relieved to find out I had a sense of humor. I was blessed with my shrekness (or my non jewish jonah hill look likeness) in middle school. It was because of this I knew I had to use what I thought was my best attribute: my humor. And it did work somewhat. I wouldn’t say I was overly popular (I am still bothered by not being elected class clown) but enough people found me humorous enough that I’d say I was middle ground popular.

But how does this relate to women? Well you see, women have always been this unobtainable thing for me. Kind of like my Noah’s ark or my Holy Grail. I have had the pleasure of some girls finding me somewhat ok enough to hang out with. They really enjoyed my humor. But guess what? That’s all I was wanted for. My humor was a blessing and a curse. The blessing was that I found something that I felt I was good at and made me feel somewhat ok about myself. The curse was that because of my humor and personality, I would forever be put into the friend only category. That dreaded zone full of nerdy glasses wearing men and butchish short haired women. My combination of hilarity and being actually nice works against me.

So why do funny guys sometimes stop being as funny? Reason number one is because it almost always automatically puts us into a category of which there is no escape.

 

2. The need to sometimes be taken seriously.

This is the other major reason why guys don’t want to always be known as the funny guy. Everyone wants to be taken seriously on some things. I use my humor a lot of the times to make points or observations (if you’re a loyal reader of this blog then you know this already). I had noticed that while people did enjoy my company, most did not even care to know what I thought about things. Most people just assumed I didn’t have an opinion on things that were on a deeper level. While I understand making jokes can give off that stigma, I like to think that if you have the ability you can make jokes that are deep and multi-layered.

My brand of humor can turn off some people. I get that. I accept that. Not everyone thinks the same way I do, and for that we should all be grateful. But just because I make jokes doesn’t mean that I do not have opinions. Actually, a select few people know that I can be quite deep in my thoughts. I do admit that I do purposely keep some aspects of that away from people, it is also the already made up minds of others who only see the surface of what I have to offer, and they don’t really feel like there is anything else there. I myself do the same thing with other people. But this blog post is to try to help you to understand why sometimes funny guys just don’t feel like being funny.

3. I’m going to end this third reason with a quote. Before I do, let me point out that I do enjoy making people laugh. Even though I have never done hard drugs (surprising I know), to me there is nothing that gives you a bigger high then when you are just rolling out jokes and people are responding with laughter. But, my humor is only a small aspect of me. Sometimes it overpowers everything else I am. I get that. I’m overly humorous. My wit is quick and sharp like a cheetah holding katana swords. If you ever wonder why a guy just stops being funny, there’s a good chance he hasn’t really stopped. He just feels like he’s being pigeon holed into a category. Besides, we know amazing humor gets you all the ladies…oh wait….

The award winning documentary Animal House said it best and I will end this post with this quote.

“fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.”