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In today’s installment of what I know, everything I know about dolphins.

1.  Not only can dolphins swim, they can also do a mean Bill Cosby impression.

2.  Dolphins like to put “Slippery When Wet” stickers on other dolphins backs when they’re not looking.

3.  In 1992, a gang of dolphins robbed and beat an old woman nearly to death.  The case was thrown out, however, when for the crime the judge could not find a porpoise.

4.  Just like most humans, dolphins do not find Kathy Griffin funny.

5.  While being one of the most famous dolphins, Flipper was also an alcoholic.

6.  A sit com starring two dolphins and a baby titled “Two and a Half Fins” was cancelled when the producers discovered there was another sit com with a similar title.

7.  Most dolphins can get into any college of their choosing.

8.  Dolphins still kick themselves for not being there to save Leonardo DiCaprio when the Titanic sank.

These dolphins are actually planning the eventual invasion of the humans.  They got this from a Simpsons episode and thought it seemed like a pretty good idea.

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Oregon has been inhabited for well over ten years.  Not only does it have beautiful forests, but it also has beautiful forest fires.  Also, Noah’s Arc might be there.  I’m lying of course to try to make Oregon sound less boring.

WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?

Oregon got it’s name from the popular computer game “Oregon Trail.”  The game became so popular that it was voted as the name of the newly founded state.  This is true.  Please don’t fact check.  Fact checking will do nothing but derail my hopes and dreams.

CLIMATE

It’s constantly raining in Oregon.  Actually I’m assuming this.  And assuming has never gotten anyone in trouble.

CLIMATE EVENTS

Oregon is hit with severe storms, floods, earthquakes, and extreme amounts of boredom.

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

1.  Oregon Vortex — It’s considered America’s premier “mystery spot.”  This means that since 1930, the Oregon Vortex has been tricking people out of their money for years.  The optical illusions weren’t originally done on purpose however.  It was just built by really terrible carpenters.

2. Henry the Bear — You can visit Henry, a real live bear.  You can also feed it cookies, hamburger meat, your left hand or a small child.

HISTORY

–Some say that humans have lived in Oregon as far back as 15,000 years ago.  They didn’t stay long once they realized they were in Oregon and there was nothing to do there.

–After Oregon was admitted as a state in 1859, many people decided to adventure out to the new frontier for a fresh start.  Many didn’t make it.  Most drowned while trying to fjord rivers.  Even more died from dysentery.  These are jokes about the video game that I played as a child in first grade.  It was there that I learned disappointment, failure, and what you can’t do with floppy discs.

DEMOGRAPHICS

Oregon’s population has topped out at 101 people and 300 billion trees.  90 percent live in Portland, while the other 10 percent wonder how they ended up there.

RACES

Caucasians – 88%

African Americans – 5%

Hippies – 45%

African American Hippies – Dwayne.  Although most suspect he’s just pretending to be a hippie for the pot.

MAJOR CITIES

Portland.  In this amazing city, you will find a lot to enjoy if you like to do things.  (Editor Note:  the author fell asleep while trying to come up with why Portland was exciting)

EDUCATION

99% can read.
1% is an infant.

RECREATION

Most Oregon residents spend their time climbing trees and trying to convince other people that Oregon isn’t a part of Canada.

FUN FACTS

*Bill Gates, Microsoft, and Starbucks are in Washington.  And that’s near Oregon.

*You can break all the mirrors you want to in Oregon since it’s already considered to be bad luck to be living there in the first place.

*Oregon had to ban the act of whistling while being under water when it was discovered that people were drowning while trying to do so.

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM OREGON

Matt Groening, the creator of the Simpson.  He is known for not only creating the longest running prime time tv series in history, but also for not knowing when to quit something when it stopped being good.

Dallas McKennon.  Not only was he the voice of Tony the Tiger, but also, Heeeeeeeee’s dead.

This marks the third or fourth time I referenced The Oregon Trail.  I am planning on writing a movie based on this game, in which I go to the west for a new start just to end up dying when I get bitten by a badger.

The city of Portland has been stalking California since 1992, constantly jumping behind these bushes when California would turn around.

This is what Oregon looks like.  I know, I’m scared too.

The great state of Illinois.  Home of something….

 

Where the Name Comes From

Illinois got it’s name from the tribe of Native Americans called the Illini. They were known for their corn growing skills and their ability to hit jump shots. When the white man came, they taught them all they knew, thus keeping the white man useful in basketball.

 

 

Climate:

Since Illinois is a very long state, the weather varies depending upon where you are. Illinois once got into a fight with Ohio when Ohio famously asked the top of Illinois “how the weather was up there.”

 

 

Major Terrible Events:

The Great Chicago Fire (1871). This fire destroyed four square miles of Chicago. It was caused when Catherine O’Leary decided she would milk her cow without warming her hands. These cold hands caused the cow to kick in surprise, knocking over a lantern. This story is true in every aspect except for the part that involved anything with a cow or cold hands. Actually, in 1893 a reporter admitted that he made it up to make a more colorful story. He also admitted to making up the American Civil War, The Alamo, the 1985 Chicago Bears winning the championship, and man landing on the moon.

Winds: Chicago is known as the “windy city” causing many of it’s inhabitants to complain about having their hair ruined.

 

 

Tourist Attractions:

Everything to do in Illinois is in Chicago. If you go to anywhere else in the state, you risk internal boredom or even death by corn.

 

 

History:

1818: Illinois became the 21st state. The state decided it wouldn’t allow slavery, electing instead to become farmers themselves and make all their kids do all the work.

1908: Springfield race riot. A famous riot that began when someone made fun of Homer Simpson for having yellow skin. It lasted through three “doh’s,” two “eat my shorts” and four “don’t have a cow, man’s.”

1919: Chicago race riots. Thirty-eight people die, more than 500 are injured and nearly a thousand residents are left homeless proving that Chicago could do a race riot better than Springfield. This became the last thing that Chicago ever was better than someone else in.

1991: The Chicago Bulls start to win one of many NBA championships. It started Michael Jordan’s great career till he tarnished it with trying to play baseball and star in Space Jam with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck.

 

 

PERCENTAGES:

65% Caucasian

42% African American

15% have never been to Chicago but heard it was really nice

27% really don’t like math.

 

 

Major Cities:

Springfield-yet another city that somehow becomes the capital even though it’s way less important than another city.

Chicago- some claim that Chicago is the only reason to keep Illinois around. Others claim even that reason isn’t good enough.

 

 

Education:

77% can read

55% think that reading is for suckers and would rather shoot a tommy gun.

 

 

Fun Facts:

-If Chicago were to become it’s own state, then the rest of Illinois would become useless.

-Chicago sports teams are known for their defense, their tenacity, and their ability to always come up short and let those who support them down.

-The first skyscraper was built in Chicago in 1885. Followed soon by the first crazy person to try to climb a skyscraper.

-In 1865 Illinois became the first state to ratify the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery. Many African American farm workers in Illinois celebrated by singing old hymns as they worked in the fields.

-The Illinois state dance is the square dance. Anyone caught doing it is also a square (This joke brought to you circa 1967).

-Nabisco has the world‘s largest cookie and cracker factory in Chicago. You can be arrested for calling someone a “cracker” as well as eating your Oreo Cookie in the wrong manner. One must twist and then pull to make sure there is cream on both sides of the cookie.

 

 

Famous Illinoisans:

Charlton Heston. An actor who was best known for wanting to shoot a gun more so than his own acting.

Bill Murray. Famous actor best known for the historical document Ghostbusters which was based on the true story of four heroes who saved New York from a giant walking marshmallow.

Walt Disney. This man created Mickey Mouse and Disney. He did this while also hating children and Jews, leaving him with precious little “me” time.

 

The home of many a fan’s shattered dreams.

 

If you look closely you can find Waldo.

 

You have just seen what the rest of the state of Illinois looks like.

 

After reaching a new population milestone, Chicago had to set up a new parking system.

 

After building the world’s largest bottle of ketchup, Illinois residents cursed themselves for not building the world’s largest french fry.

 

Mickey would go on to become just one of many Disney characters who would refuse to wear both a shirt and a pair of pants at the same time.