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Why am I still single? Someone asked me when Smurfs volume 2 comes out on dvd and I knew the answer.

Why am I still single? The highlight of my week was Guitar Hero World Tour.

Why am I still single? My mom buys my cereal.

Why am I still single? The Simpsons season 11 came out and I didn’t get it, thus depressing me and proving my foolishness considering I have the first 10.

Why am I still single? I complain about the music played on the radio instead of just accepting it, which would give me something to talk to women about. You know, so I can use the opening line “hey have you heard that new Nickelback song?”

Why am I still single? Instead of moving into an apartment and away from home, I bought a new car instead.

Why am I still single? I thought having a new car would improve my odds.

Why am I still single? I’d rather sit around making jokes with Trevor than go to a club and have women there rub themselves on me. And let’s face it. Most women at clubs have decided that they’re down on their last chance and are desperate. At the risk of stereotyping, most women at clubs will sleep with you if you tell them your name and that you have a job.

Why am I still single? I was proud to be a momma’s boy. That is until it was pointed out to me that being a momma’s boy isn’t exactly appealing.

Why am I still single? Women have standards.

Why am I still single? I’m a guy who writes a blog.

Why am I still single? I got a new cell phone and told everyone, hoping that would prove to them that I’m heading in a positive direction in my life.

Why am I still single? I once blew off some women friends so I could get home in time to catch a new episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent.

Why am I still single? I make people watch things I find funny, even though I know they don’t share the same sense of humor as me.

Why am I still single? My mom warms my car up in the mornings before I go to work.

Why am I still single? I can’t make drinkable Kool-Aid.

Why am I still single? I never finish things. Case in point: three months ago I decided to decorate my room with movie posters since I love movies. Total movie poster count as of right now: 2

Why am I still single? I can quote lines from Airplane!, Dumb and Dumber, Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, and most shows that appear on Cartoon Networks’ Adult Swim.


It’s almost summer time. Guess what that means? It’s time for love. When you are a single person, and have been for a while, you will at times feel in the dumps. Being single can be quite hard sometimes especially on those nights when no one wants to do anything with you and/or already busy (a.k.a. my every Saturday night). So what do those people who care about you do? Well they feel obliged to say certain things in an attempt to make you feel better. So now for your reading pleasure, I shall list these things and why they shouldn’t be said.


1. You’re such a great guy.

I’ve heard this so many times I could vomit. If I was so great then how come I’m alone? OHHH IN YOUR FACE! You know why I’m alone? Cause I’m a selfish cynical horrible looking person. Plus sometimes I don’t answer my phone because I don’t feel like talking to whoever you are. See? Jerk.

2. There is someone out there for everyone. Sometimes known as God has someone out there for you.

Ahh the classic cliché. Another one I have heard many times from my lady friends. There are so many things wrong with this one. First of all, how do you know there is someone out there for me? If you yourself couldn’t see yourself with me, then how could you see anyone else? As for bringing God into this, how do you know for sure He has someone planned for me? Have you ever thought that perhaps He wants me to die alone? Sounds harsh but entirely possible. Have I depressed you? Good, maybe you get the idea now.

3. If I wasn’t dating someone I’d be dating you.

This is one I’ve actually heard. How do I know it’s crap? Because now that person is engaged, and she’s not engaged to me.

4. I can’t believe you haven’t been snatched up yet.

Well really, who wants to be snatched up? Sounds like I’m in one of those machines where a claw goes around and tries to grab prizes. Except I wouldn’t be in the nice expensive claw machine with the stuffed Winnie the Pooh doll. Oh no I’d be in the quarter claw machine where it lets you play till you win.


There are just a few. Now let’s examine why these things are said.

1. They have to say them.

They are your friends. If they see you feeling down they feel obliged to feed you some cliché or compliment in an attempt to make you feel better. Well guess what? You’re attempts amuse me while at the same time do nothing for me. In fact, you just make me feel like even worse crap for making you worry about me.

2. It’s what everyone says.

You know why those things are clichés? They are said all the time in those situations. How about next time not saying anything? Or ignoring it and make jokes instead. It’s what I do and look where it got me…oh wait…bad example.


Perhaps being single for so long has made me become bitter. I’d also like to think that it has opened my eyes to these fake things that are said just to make yourself feel better. To comfort yourself because you at least tried.

So if you find yourself out on the summer night with your hands clasped tightly to your loved one, then be happy for yourself. You have accomplished something others may not.

But if you ever find yourself about to mention one of those clichés, then do your best to stop yourself. This has been a public service announcement. I’m Johnny Townsend, and now you know.


I will leave you with this graph showing you my before and after facial expressions when it comes to hearing one of those cliches.