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Has the upcoming election confused you? Don’t really know who to vote for? Do you feel yourself wondering what each candidate stands for? Have no fear my faithful reader, for I will tell you a little something about each candidate. This is where to come if you are an undecided voter.

 

1.

 

NAME: Barack Obama

NICKNAME: Barackie Boy, Mr. Suit and Tie, Sweet Cheeks

AGE: 47

POLITICAL PARTY: Democrat

MARITAL STATUS: Married. To a woman even.

 

LIKES:

long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners, scooters, the word “subliminal”, all three Shrek movies, Bruce Springsteen, the part in The Wizard of Oz that is in color, freeze tag, a cold refreshing Sprite, slowly letting America know he’s inexperienced.

DISLIKES:

old people, books, Quantum Leap, blondes, women, blonde women, anyone with the last name Clinton, blonde women with the last name Clinton.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Bring American troops back home. We’ll need them for when we invade the next country on the list (I’m looking at you, Iran)

-make health care affordable for those who could afford it.

-increase the minimum wage, thus raising the amount of money it takes to be considered poor.

-invade anywhere with global warming, since it is the real terrorist threat.

-make it so that every television station will run at least one commercial per half hour that shows how great Barack Obama is.

 

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 42

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

heat vision, super speed, flight, the ability to adapt and to say whatever pleases the group he just happens to be standing in front of, a really sweet looking cape.

 

2.

 

NAME: John McCain

NICKNAME: Cranky, Slow Poke, That One Guy From The Movie “Grumpy Old Men”

 

AGE: 72 (Mr. McCain wishes to inform the public that age is just a number)

 

POLITICAL PARTY: Republican

 

MARITAL STATUS: Has been married twice, once to his wife now, and once more back when he was involved in a love triangle with Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.

 

LIKES:

Matlock, Werther’s Originals, hard candy, social security, Medicare, pain medication, music before guitars were invented, driving 25 mph below the speed limit, Roy Rogers, Hardee’s breakfast, senior citizen discounts, waking up at 5:30 A.M.

DISLIKES:

Young people on his lawn, change, noise, music with drums, Vietnam, anyone with their original teeth, chewy food, 9:00 P.M, people not remembering the good ole’ days.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Defeat Terrorism. With his bare hands that he can’t raise above his head.

-Get rid of Rated R movies.

-Declare that everyone must own an “I Love My Grandpa” shirt.

-lower health costs on prostate exams.

-make 72 years old the new 40.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 63

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

yelling at young people, super strength, hip with the ability to break, supporting our troops while pointing out how no one else is, can take his teeth in and out of his own mouth.

 

 

 

3.

 

NAME: Johnny Townsend

NICKNAME: Shrekness, Bud, That Weird Guy Who Keeps Staring at Me

AGE: 25

POLITICAL PARTY: He represents all of America

MARITAL STATUS: Single, oh so very single…

LIKES:

America, chicken, girls who say they like him but only as a friend, basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, saving kittens stuck in trees, saving babies stuck in trees, being a people person, pretending to be President and learning how to handle being blamed for everything, Ford Mustangs, fast cars, fast women, slow women, smart women, dumb women, women with little or no standards, desperate women…(EDITORS NOTE: this goes on like this for another five or six lines, so I will fast forward it)….and blue women like on Star Trek

DISLIKES:

anyone who hates America, guns (unless you like guns then he does too), criminals, Nicholas Cage movies, Nickelback songs, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, Chinese checkers, he hates everything that you hate, unless you like that thing he hates, which in that case he likes it too…or hates it….wait did you say you liked it or hated it cause he totally agrees with you.

IF HE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-end world hunger

-make bad movies the new source of fuel, thus ending our gasoline crises by replacing it with a never ending source.

-he will end the pain women feel during child birth

-he will follow you to school and beat up those bullies who have been bothering you

-he swears to stop hurricanes in their tracks

-promises to rid the world of any movie that includes the words “Traveling Pants.”

-will replace the wheel with the triangle

-promises to acknowledge that he has no experience, but more than makes up for that with intelligence.

-promises to admit that he’s no intelligent.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: he claims to only wear tennis shoes that are made by 8 year old Korean children just like every other American.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

is a lot like Batman, minus the cool gadgets and skills and athletic ability, can leap tall pebbles in a single bound, his superb jumping ability allows him to complete many lay ups, thus allowing him to dominate any WNBA game.

 

 

 

There you have it. You’re three presidential candidates. Hopefully this little cheat sheet will help you in your decision.

On another note, I have been allowed to join the website http://humor-blogs.com/. This website lets you see a wide collection of humorous blogs. It also allows you to rank them. I am not above asking you to vote for me, since I could really use anything that could be construed as a small victory. So please go to that site (the link is on the side in my Blogroll). With your help, I can go from being ranked 796th overall to 782nd.

 

I thought I would end this helpful blog with a picture of the third candidate, Johnny Townsend, in action at a recent rally in Hickory, North Carolina.

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NORTH CAROLINA

 

North Carolina. What a beautiful state. It has three beautiful regions. Mountains, piedmont, and the ever eroding beaches. Come for the changing of the leaves, stay for the pig farms.

 

WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?

North Carolina was named after the feared dinosaur Northus Carolinius. It was known for it’s sharp teeth and it’s constant need for road construction.

 

CLIMATE

The climate in the state of North Carolina is considered awesome. And it’s only considered awesome if you love terrible weather. Enjoy the hot humid summers and the cold but not cold enough for snow winters.

 

CLIMATE EVENTS

A. Super storm of 1993- a huge storm that affected most of the united states, doing much damage and causing havoc to a lot of americans. Almost as much so as Dr. Phil.

B. Hurricane (pick a name any name) – many hurricanes have hit the area, causing massive erosion. The Cape Hatteras Lighthouse was quoted as saying “Oh no, not again.”

 

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

1. Outer Banks. Known for it’s vast areas of sand.

2. Putt putt. Massive putt putts everywhere. Miniature golf is the only thing that fuels North Carolina’s economy. You will be able to find any putt putt course you wish and play on, since most of them are now out of business and closed.

 

HISTORY

– North Carolina was officially discovered in 1584. Sir Walter Raleigh was sailing, trying to find a new land so he’d have a place to stash his pot.

– North Carolina was the 12th state to ratify the Constitution. It was the 1st state to decide that Hootie and the Blowfish should have a career, something they have yet to be forgiven for.

– Civil War – North Carolina was heavily involved with the civil war. From oppressing slaves to shooting Stonewall Jackson, their own general, and killing him. On a side note, it is one of the states in the south that still practices racism.

– the first airplane was built at Kitty Hawk. It was a short flight, so there were no peanuts or drinks available.

 

DEMOGRAPHIC

Has a population of 8,856,505, though this is not counting the illegal immigrants who make up most of Western North Carolina.

 

RACES:

Caucasians – 55%

African American – 42%

Latinos – 20 % (all 20% live in the same trailer)

 

MAJOR CITIES

Charlotte – home to many sports teams like the Charlotte Bobcats, the Carolina Panthers, and the lesser known Charlotte Bank Employees.

Raleigh – Home to tobacco. Raleigh has only a year to live thanks to the lung cancer it was just diagnosed with last week. It claims it can quit anytime it wants.

 

EDUCATION

1% can read at an adult level

99% like books with pictures

 

RECREATION

Most north Carolinians enjoy playing basketball. Although most will never turn pro due to their Caucasian tendencies.

 

STATS AND FUN FACTS

– state bird: cardinal

-state motto: “Enjoy our beaches while they’re still there.”

– High Point is considered the furniture capital of the world. So while there is nothing to do in High Point, you will always have a place to sit down.

– The Graveyard of the Atlantic is where many ships have sunk to their doom. It is a vast graveyard of sunken ships and broken dreams. The east coasts version of Las Vegas.

– Babe Ruth hit his first home run in North Carolina. He also invented the candy bar at the same time.

– North Carolina is home to many lavish meth labs. Some even have running water.

– It is the leader in tobacco production, and the leading cause of those annoying Truth ads.

– the oldest town in the state is called Bath, named after the very thing it’s residents refuse to partake in.

 

– 9 out of 10 radio stations play country music, which in turn really depresses me

 

 

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM NORTH CAROLINA

– Thomas Wolfe. A writer. Sadly, no one from his home state has ever read any of his books or heard of him at all.

– Clay Aiken. A singer of some sorts. It is unknown what sex Clay is, as well as why he/she is remotely popular.

– Andy Griffith. Actor. Whistler. He could arrest you for jay walking AND represent you in court.

– Dale Earnhardt. Race care driver. Known for driving in circles and turning left. Turning right is what killed him.

 

The map of North Carolina.   I only know this because it was labeled.

 

The Cape Hatteras Lighthouse.  Every day it inches closer and closer to it’s doom.

 

Nascar: the number two spectator sport in the world, behind competitive toastering.

 

the first flight of man.  the wright brothers only had a two hour delay and it only took them four hours to get through security and to check their luggage.

 

The Blue Ridge Parkway.  It is so beautiful that you barely notice the empty bear cans tossed to the side of the road.