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More What I Know About Bears

>Bears refuse to believe that the first three episodes of Star Wars ever happened.

>Bears enjoy a mild climate.  This is purely due to the fact that with a milder climate, there are more humans to maul.

>A bear once came in 3rd in the Boston Marathon.

>Macaulay Culkin’s stunt double during the Home Alone movies was a bear.

>Bears can not only stand on their back feet, they can also shadow box.

>95% of bears are Scientologists.

This is the deadly Bi-Polar Bear.  One minute you think it’s all cute, then the next minute it’s biting your head off because you happened to think that American Idol has run it’s course.

These bears pretend to be all caring, but actually they’re federally wanted drug dealers.

This bear won the 1984 National Spelling Bee and also became The World Sewing Champion in 1992.

This famous bear was known for his stand up comedy which not only led him to have a long running sit-com in which he was married to an out of his league attractive woman, but also to many stints in rehab.

In a stunning showing of survival, this Polar Bear lived on top of a giant frozen mushroom for 44 days before realizing it could probably swim.

These bears were caught in the middle of a slow motion run and hug.  Or a bear hug if you will (for those keeping count, that is approximately the 4569th bear pun I have ever come up with).

This bear is considered one of the creepiest bears around, simply for the fact that it always wears pants but never wears a shirt.

This bear is wanted in fourteen states for vicious pic-nic basket robberies.

It was recently announced that all of the Star Wars movies would come out in the near future on Blu-ray. I got the honor of getting a sneak peak at all the extras and add-ons that will be available on the special discs. I know, I know. You’re welcome.

1. There will be approximately 105 plus hours of added scenes. Here is a run down of some of what is added.

-Two scenes of Jabba the Hutt sweating to the oldies.

-45 extra hours of Stormtroopers going home to their wives. Their wives then hag and hag them asking them why they never ask for a promotion.

-6 more hours of Stormtroopers looking around in an desert.

-Han shoots third.

2. George Lucas’s very own intern states that he believes he heard George Lucas apologize for the prequels once, but then again George Lucas could have just eaten some bad Mexican food.

3. The truth behind Yoda’s speech impediment (hint: head injury)

4. Additional outtakes of Hayden Christensen learning how to look out windows.

5. Exclusive interview with R2-D2 about how C-3PO only seemed attracted to other male-like robots.

6. Behind the scenes: watch George Lucas eat twelve turkey and cheese sandwiches.

7. Casting the movie: How it took them four years to find someone tall and hairy enough to play Chewbacca.

8. A feature about interesting and little known facts. Including…

-Luke Skywalker was originally going to be a miniature pig.

-Not only is Lando cool, he’s also wanted in fourteen galaxies for shoplifting.

-When you became a Stormtrooper, you received good pay and insurance, but not dental.

-Stormtrooper training consisted of learning how to stumble, how not to shoot straight, how to miss important main characters when firing a blaster, and how to be incredibly gullible.

-Harrison Ford’s favorite movie is “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days“.

 

That’s just a handful of the amazing extras that will be included in the set. No official release date has been set yet, so stay tuned!

This is an uncertain time. America has just elected a new president. Some people are worried about what the future will hold. Fear not, for I have just discovered that I have the ability to tell what exactly will happen 5-10 years from now. I must share this gift.

*Barack Obama will win a second term, only to have everyone get angry at him and scream for change. This will lead to a republican president, only to have the cycle repeat itself.

*Britney Spears will make yet another comeback, this time doing a duet album with Michael Jackson where she will dress sexy, but he will ignore her whenever her young son is around.

*McDonalds will bring back the McRib fourteen more times.

*Lindsay Lohan will turn straight, only to turn gay again once people start to not pay her any attention.

*Jessica Simpson will attempt rap music, thus making her officially failing at every genre of music.

*The NFL will eventually quit playing real live football games, and will instead have a representative of each team play each other in a game of Madden.

*George Lucas will re-re-release yet another special edition of Star Wars, this one including the infamous lost footage of Jabba the Hutt making out with Jar Jar Binks.

*Atheists will lose when the announcer’s next command is “those who believe in something please step forward.”

*High School Musical 7 will be released, ushering forth three more years kids breaking into song in public schools all across the nation.

*Saw XIX will also be released, proving that you can run out of ways to kill people.

 

 

And now I shall reveal to you the horoscopes for the next 10 years.

ARIES: You will go through your life believing there is still some good in humanity, only to have that belief come crashing down upon you after all your friends give you Nickelback cd’s for Christmas.

TAURUS: You will go to the movies expecting to see the next Batman movie. Soon you realize that you went into the wrong theater and must sit through the sequel to Mama Mia. You will have a piece of good luck, however, remembering to bring your shot gun when you left your house. You then end your own suffering as well as the suffering of all those poor souls around you.

GEMINI: You will full fill your destiny of disappointing your parents when you bring a Muslim home with you.

CANCER: You will finally be able to give up drugs when you discover that sniffing Kool-Aid powder gives you much more of a high.

LEO: You will shoot Santa Claus late one Christmas Eve after you mistake him for a burglar. You then become the most hated person in the entire world. Your shins will never recover from all the kicking the kids of the world will give you.

VIRGO: You will win 100 dollars. This is significant because it will be the last time you have any money.

LIBRA: All those hours of doing nothing but playing video games will come in handy when you save the world when a combination of aliens, Nazis, and four floating different colored ghosts attack. You will also grab the bouncing banana, giving you 10,000 bonus points.

SCORPIO: Your journey as a vegetarian will end after you discover that animals taste really, really good.

SAGITTARIUS: You will become the most unimportant person in the world. I’d tell you why, but you really don‘t matter.

CAPRICORN: Your life will come to an abrupt end after you and some friends decide to check out the old abandoned house at the end of the road. You will become the first to die, surprising the whole group considering you aren’t African American nor the comedic relief.

AQUARIUS: You will become famous and well liked for the things you write. Your humor and wit and charisma will be known in all points of the earth. Then you will wake up from that dream and be welcomed back to your reality of Chef Boyardee and empty pizza boxes.

PISCES: You will find the cure to what makes Michael Jackson the way he is. Your life will then be set as you are asked to do the same with the Catholic Church.

 

There you have it. All these things are in our future. I have foreseen it!