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In a new series here on my blog, I will begin to tell you about things I know about. By doing so I am sure to not only impress you with my vast knowledge, but prove to all those doubters that I am as smart as I pretend to be.
These are the things I know about bears. Stephen Colbert has been right all along, these beasts are natures butchering machines.
1. People in the middle ages at one time thought bears could fly. These people were idiots. Everyone knows that bears do not fly, they glide from tree to tree.
2. Everyone assumes that Dr. James Naismith invented the game of basketball. Actually it was invented by a polar bear named Jim.
3. A bear not only is responsible for the Great Chicago Fire, it also successfully wrote a newspaper story that influenced the nation to blame a cow.
4. Bears are very good typists.
5. Bears are able to dunk at the age of 4.
6. Bears are known to steal human infants and make them knit their socks for pennies a day.
7. Can bears drive? Oh yeah. But they’re picky drivers. You will never see a bear behind the wheel of a Kia.
8. You know what’s so great about bears? Nothing. Nothing at all.
9. Never agree to watch a movie with a bear. They will only watch The Notebook.
10. Bears are afraid of butter, but not afraid of margarine.
11. BONUS BEAR FACT: Bears are big fans of Joshua Jackson.
12 DOUBLE BONUS BEAR FACT: Bears like to listen to Barry Manilow while working out.
This week in the news…
1. GAS SHORTAGE!!
There was a gas shortage here in my home state of North Carolina. How do we, the smart and intelligent people of North Carolina handle such a crises? Why we panic and fill up our tanks at every chance we get! Seriously people… You do realize that when you have ¾ a tank you don’t need to top it off. That’s why the shortage became a crises. People are stupid. The news says there is a shortage. We better go get some even though we don’t really need it. That way we keep those who actually probably do need it from getting some. The same way Mormons get a bunch of wives even though some of us really need a girl friend, or at least a girl to pretend she’s interested in him. Selfish Mormons.
2. There was a story on abortion, but I stopped listening before the story was finished.
3. McCain suspends debate due to economy crises!
In theory this is a good move. The economy is in a crises. A crises caused by people who were really greedy and had power. So McCain decides he will suspend his campaign to work on it. Well that was then. Now he’s going to debate Obama tonight. Why? Cause the media will blast you for whatever decision you make. Just like I’ll blast the media no matter what they do. It’s fun. And I wasn’t even invited to this debate!!! Outrage!!!
SPECIAL IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!
Good evening. I’m Johnny Townsend. A candidate for the office of President of the United States. I am officially suspending my campaign while the country is in a terrible economic crisis until there is a resolution. Also because I only have a quarter of a tank of gas in my car. Thank you.
4. An Atheist Soldier claims he was discriminated against.
The soldier claims he was forced to attend events in which prayers were said. I got an exclusive interview with the soldier. Here is an excerpt from that interview.
ME: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of hating all that is good to talk to me.
SOLDIER: um…you’re welcome…
ME: Now, your identity is being withheld to protect you. But may I remind you that God knows who you are.
SOLDIER: (blankly stares)
That was just a small glimpse of the interview. To see the full interview, click HERE. Notice how nothing happened when you did? That’s because I didn’t actually interview him and made that part up. Thanks for playing along you’ve been great.
*Stephen Colbert recently interviewed a woman who was involved with some sort of atheist movement. I couldn’t get the video to load up right in this post, so I’ll post the link. WARNING: it’s definately PG-13 at least rated. It has some slightly crude language and sexual references.
5. Storm attacks North Carolina
A storm from the Atlantic ocean attacked the state, causing many residents to rush out and grab all the milk and bread that they possibly could. The winds gusted up to 40 miles per hour, causing many hats to become lost.
SIDE NOTE: why do we go for bread and milk when a weather event threatens to happen? A hurricane is coming. Let’s grab milk and bread. A snow storm is coming. Let’s grab milk and bread. I guess I can kind of see the bread. I mean you can always make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But the milk? If the power goes out then the milk isn’t going to do you much good.
6. America gold card commercial
I just saw a commercial in which a guy who is trying to catch a flight hands a woman a credit card. He was discriminated against only because his card had a picture of kittens on it. That is not the America I’m proud of. If I have a credit card and it had kittens on it you better treat me like you treat everyone else!
Just because I have this picture on my credit card doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person.