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Has the upcoming election confused you? Don’t really know who to vote for? Do you feel yourself wondering what each candidate stands for? Have no fear my faithful reader, for I will tell you a little something about each candidate. This is where to come if you are an undecided voter.

 

1.

 

NAME: Barack Obama

NICKNAME: Barackie Boy, Mr. Suit and Tie, Sweet Cheeks

AGE: 47

POLITICAL PARTY: Democrat

MARITAL STATUS: Married. To a woman even.

 

LIKES:

long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners, scooters, the word “subliminal”, all three Shrek movies, Bruce Springsteen, the part in The Wizard of Oz that is in color, freeze tag, a cold refreshing Sprite, slowly letting America know he’s inexperienced.

DISLIKES:

old people, books, Quantum Leap, blondes, women, blonde women, anyone with the last name Clinton, blonde women with the last name Clinton.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Bring American troops back home. We’ll need them for when we invade the next country on the list (I’m looking at you, Iran)

-make health care affordable for those who could afford it.

-increase the minimum wage, thus raising the amount of money it takes to be considered poor.

-invade anywhere with global warming, since it is the real terrorist threat.

-make it so that every television station will run at least one commercial per half hour that shows how great Barack Obama is.

 

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 42

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

heat vision, super speed, flight, the ability to adapt and to say whatever pleases the group he just happens to be standing in front of, a really sweet looking cape.

 

2.

 

NAME: John McCain

NICKNAME: Cranky, Slow Poke, That One Guy From The Movie “Grumpy Old Men”

 

AGE: 72 (Mr. McCain wishes to inform the public that age is just a number)

 

POLITICAL PARTY: Republican

 

MARITAL STATUS: Has been married twice, once to his wife now, and once more back when he was involved in a love triangle with Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.

 

LIKES:

Matlock, Werther’s Originals, hard candy, social security, Medicare, pain medication, music before guitars were invented, driving 25 mph below the speed limit, Roy Rogers, Hardee’s breakfast, senior citizen discounts, waking up at 5:30 A.M.

DISLIKES:

Young people on his lawn, change, noise, music with drums, Vietnam, anyone with their original teeth, chewy food, 9:00 P.M, people not remembering the good ole’ days.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Defeat Terrorism. With his bare hands that he can’t raise above his head.

-Get rid of Rated R movies.

-Declare that everyone must own an “I Love My Grandpa” shirt.

-lower health costs on prostate exams.

-make 72 years old the new 40.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 63

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

yelling at young people, super strength, hip with the ability to break, supporting our troops while pointing out how no one else is, can take his teeth in and out of his own mouth.

 

 

 

3.

 

NAME: Johnny Townsend

NICKNAME: Shrekness, Bud, That Weird Guy Who Keeps Staring at Me

AGE: 25

POLITICAL PARTY: He represents all of America

MARITAL STATUS: Single, oh so very single…

LIKES:

America, chicken, girls who say they like him but only as a friend, basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, saving kittens stuck in trees, saving babies stuck in trees, being a people person, pretending to be President and learning how to handle being blamed for everything, Ford Mustangs, fast cars, fast women, slow women, smart women, dumb women, women with little or no standards, desperate women…(EDITORS NOTE: this goes on like this for another five or six lines, so I will fast forward it)….and blue women like on Star Trek

DISLIKES:

anyone who hates America, guns (unless you like guns then he does too), criminals, Nicholas Cage movies, Nickelback songs, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, Chinese checkers, he hates everything that you hate, unless you like that thing he hates, which in that case he likes it too…or hates it….wait did you say you liked it or hated it cause he totally agrees with you.

IF HE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-end world hunger

-make bad movies the new source of fuel, thus ending our gasoline crises by replacing it with a never ending source.

-he will end the pain women feel during child birth

-he will follow you to school and beat up those bullies who have been bothering you

-he swears to stop hurricanes in their tracks

-promises to rid the world of any movie that includes the words “Traveling Pants.”

-will replace the wheel with the triangle

-promises to acknowledge that he has no experience, but more than makes up for that with intelligence.

-promises to admit that he’s no intelligent.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: he claims to only wear tennis shoes that are made by 8 year old Korean children just like every other American.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

is a lot like Batman, minus the cool gadgets and skills and athletic ability, can leap tall pebbles in a single bound, his superb jumping ability allows him to complete many lay ups, thus allowing him to dominate any WNBA game.

 

 

 

There you have it. You’re three presidential candidates. Hopefully this little cheat sheet will help you in your decision.

On another note, I have been allowed to join the website http://humor-blogs.com/. This website lets you see a wide collection of humorous blogs. It also allows you to rank them. I am not above asking you to vote for me, since I could really use anything that could be construed as a small victory. So please go to that site (the link is on the side in my Blogroll). With your help, I can go from being ranked 796th overall to 782nd.

 

I thought I would end this helpful blog with a picture of the third candidate, Johnny Townsend, in action at a recent rally in Hickory, North Carolina.

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I was having trouble trying to decide on what to write about. I was having bloggers block if you will. Then I woke up this morning with the news on my radio. There were three things that really grabbed my attention. Thanks to the sad state of the world for these things that nudged me enough to write about.

1. Roger Clemmons apparently had an affair with Mindy McCready. First off, I had no idea who that woman is or was, but apparently she was a country music star. I say apparently since I refuse to accept any country music person as a star. This affair allegedly started when she was 15 years old. Keep in mind none of this has been proven. With that being said, if this is true, then the main thing we should be upset about is the fact that Roger Clemmons, when he was 28 now, had an affair with a 15 year old. This angered me at first. But what really got me was the reporting on this situation and everyone saying how bad this is for his reputation. Guess what? It should be. If you’re a 28 year old guy and you just have to have some 15 year old then you deserve for your reputation to suffer. Take some more steroids so your hide grows thicker.

 

2. Miley Cyrus has some pictures coming out that are causing an uproar. She is also just 15 years old. She was being photographed for Vanity Affair. It’s a magazine that is suppose to be about art, which I had no idea that art is just another word for inappropriate smut. It’s not even good smut. This gives smut a bad name. There are a lot of people who should be ashamed of themselves. Miley Cyrus herself has already apologized for the photos. But what about the adults? Why haven’t I heard of her manager apologizing? Why haven’t I heard her parents apologizing? Why hasn’t the photographer apologized? How can you possibly think that having a 15 year old take her top off and take pictures of her with just a blanket is a good idea?

One of the arguments is that Vanity Affair is art. I fail to see how this is art. Leonardo da Vinci made art. The Beatles made art. Kiddie soft core porn is not art. This is proof of our society’s sad state of affairs. How did no one involved not know that these photos were unacceptable? I would think that once someone asked a 15 year old to remove their clothes that they would of stood up and said something.

But guess what? This did exactly what Vanity Affair wanted it to do. They are in the business to sale magazines. Guess what? This issue will sale. Controversy sales. It makes people tune in. It makes people buy magazines. It’s why the news has become a joke and is now nothing but entertainment and bad stories. Humanity itself is crumbling away. Morals have slowly decayed. Aerosmith has not retired.

3. Josh Howard, a NBA basketball player for the Dallas Mavericks, said on a radio station that everyone in the NBA smokes pot. Way to make the league look great and top notch there Josh. There is already this stereotyping of professional basketball players and you have done nothing to change this perception. Do all basketball players have 20 kids with different moms? Do all basketball players carry guns? The NBA gets a really bad rap sometimes. I know it has earned some of it, but if you look at the overall products of all our major league sports, you would see that the NFL has just as many problematic players. I can’t for the life of me understand how football is held in such a higher regard then basketball. Guess it’ll never make sense to me. And Josh, perhaps if you’d quit puffing that magic dragon you’d be playing better then you are right now in your playoff series with the Hornets.

4. Last, on a slightly lighter but none the less anger inducing note, I heard a list of the top ten most influential and best tv shows of all time. I can’t remember the list off the top of my head, but I do remember some shows that were not included. So, in an effort to make you people realize that there is still good television out there, perhaps better now than ever, I will list some shows that you must see. Shows that will no doubt hold a place in the next time a top list of television shows comes out. Then I will give you a list of some that should not exist.

 

1. Lost

If you do not watch this show, then you really hate everything that’s awesome. Never has a show with so many characters been so captivating. Will Kate end up with Sawyer? What’s up with the smoke monster? How come that statue had four toes and hasn’t been mentioned sense? One of the best shows made. How do I know? I watch it, and I’m an expert.

2. The Office (American)

I have not seen the original brittish version that this series is based on, but I have heard some amazing things. The American version of the office however is superb. The most real comedy out there. The only show that utilizes awkwardness for the comedy that it holds. Every episode has something you want to quote. You can never ever go wrong with Steve Carrell. Also, can you really deny Dwight’s beets? I think not.

 

3. X-Files

The first show that really made me feel like I could never miss it. The acting wasn’t the greatest at the first, but you could really get into these stories. A show that has spawned a lot of other shows and for good reason. Don’t worry, there’s a movie coming soon. The truth is out there.

 

4. The Simpsons

One of the longest running shows ever on television. The show that made it possible for there to be a cartoon that was geared for older people. The show that made you think the main lead character was incredibly dumb but actually quite caring and loving and always meant well. D’oh is in the dictionary now. That’s how important this show is.

 

5. Futurama

The other show by Matt Groening. This one is thankfully being brought back. Also animated, it’s jokes were perhaps even more sharp and smarter then the Simpsons.

6. South Park

Another great animated show. This show is probably more known for it’s vulgar which is unfortunate. One of the smartest shows on television today. Who else has the meatballs to go after scientology?

 

7. Boy Meets World

Sorry, I couldn’t help this. I loved this show when I was younger. Plus Topanga was smoking.

 

8. Arrested Development

A show that was ended way before it’s time. I’m just glad that there’s apparently a movie in the works and that some of the people in the show are starting to have good careers (Michael Cera I’m looking at you).

 

Honarable Mention: Supernatural

This show can really thank the X-Files for it’s existence. Every episode seems like a really well made suspenseful horror movie.

 

 

And now the moment you’ve been waiting for. The shows that are so terrible I have no idea how they are on television.

1. Anything on MTV. There is nothing on this channel that oozes anything resembling decent. You can’t even catch a music video on there, and when you finally do, it’s of some crunk rap video. How much more Real World 56 and Spoiled Highschool Girls can we consume?

 

2. Dancing with the Stars. Let’s be real first off. These aren’t really stars. This should be titled “Dancing with B and C List Celebrities.” Why is watching these people dance good? I dunno, I don’t understand it.

3. Oprah, Dr. Phil, Maury Povich, etc.

I never understood how these shows get so big. How exactly did that afternoon television talk show make Oprah that rich? Seriously I don’t know. If those people can get daytime shows, then I’m next in line. It can’t be that hard to tell someone who the real daddy is or to take the blame for every situation.

 

 

I realize this is a lot to read in today’s blog. That’s why I included a lot of pictures. I hate reading when I don’t have to too. This is to tide you off till I can get ready my next major idea for this blog. Don’t forget to comment on some shows you think I should of included and why. Be prepared for me to rip it apart if I feel it stupid. And I highly value my own opinion.

 *all the photos were from www.amazon.com