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Today I am going to make a huge announcement. I feel it is my duty to announce to you all that I, Johnny Townsend, have become a Scientologist.

I’ll let that shock hit you for a bit.

Now I suppose the question you are asking is “why?” I will tell you. Just for signing up to be a Scientologist, you get all this!!!

-They don’t judge you if you go insane.

-You get a free autographed picture of Tom Cruise.

-25% off at any Wal-Mart or Sam’s Club.

-30 free music downloads from Napster.

 

As you can tell, it’s easy to see why I would join up. All I had to do was to believe that a science fiction writer came up with a legitimate religion and set of beliefs. That was easy!

I will start this new religion after my duties are done this month at my current church. I don’t want to be put in an awkward situation with Christianity.

But why else did I decide to become a Scientologist? That’s easy. I really, really dig those Star Wars flicks.

Besides, if Scientology doesn’t work out for me I can always join the church of the Jedi.

 

Okay. I have a confession. I didn’t join the church of Scientology. I was going to go undercover and join their ranks just to better understand them and their foreign ways. That is until they told me how much it cost to join. Besides, that Hubbard dude was a weirdo. And not the good kind of weirdo like Dwight from The Office or Gonzo from the Muppet Babies. No, just a weirdo.

 

QUICK CHINESE FACT #2:  The chinese government have long had a reputation of being strict.  They have sense become more loose, especially on women’s rights.  The government officials now only point their guns at 44% of the women population.  I had a quick conversation with a chinese woman recently when I visited China.  Here is a small portion of that conversation.

ME: How much more free do you feel now that the Chinese government is allowing you to do more things?

WOMAN (she asked to not be identified, which is just fine since I couldn’t spell her name anyways): Yes I feel more free.  Now excuse me, I must go.  They have my family.

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this is the first of an ongoing series about the 50 states. We will start with the grand state of Kentucky*

KENTUCKY

 

Kentucky is one of four U.S. states officially known as a commonwealth. This means absolutely nothing. Nadda. No one has used the word commonwealth since 1954. Kentucky is known as a bluegrass state. This confuses everyone since the grass is not blue. The music is also not grass. Kentucky is also home to horse racing, a sport that most people do not believe still exists.

WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?

Named after the fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken. The whole state comes in original or extra crispy.

CLIMATE

The temperature is normally hot. Unless it’s snowing. Then I guess it’s cold. What do I know? I’m no meteorologist.

CLIMATE EVENTS

a. Louisville tornado of 1890 claimed over 75 lives. It is also responsible for throwing a cow at Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton.

b. april 3rd 1974 tornado outbreak caused 72 deaths. Residents claim that this will not persuade them to move the trailers they live in.

c. 2008 Super Tuesday tornado outbreak claimed 7 lives. Sensing a pattern yet?

 

TOURISTS ATTRACTIONS

a. Kentucky Derby. Go to watch horses run around in a circle once a year. Be sure to bet all your savings on the horse with the coolest name. I bet everything I had last year on a horse named Old With Arthritis. I’m still paying on that one.

b. Louisville zoo. Come see all the amazing animals Kentucky has to offer. From cats to squirrels to the rare human with intelligence. Watch him as he figures out how to use sticks as primitive tools.

c. Mammoth Cave. It’s the world’s longest cave system. The other end comes up in China. Just like in the cartoons.

HISTORY

– Luckily for the early settlers of Kentucky, the native americans had done them a solid and either moved or died from the area. This saved the settlers from the terrible burden of killing and pillaging their teepees thus saving them years of therapy.

– It was a border state during the Civil War. This meant it had cold feet and commitment issues. Some say it will never settle down and get married.

 

DEMOGRAPHICS

Kentucky has a population of 17 people. None of them know each others names and all live in Louisville. There is not a single soul located anywhere else in the entire area.

 

RACES

Caucasian – 50%

African American – 0%

Hispanic – 0%, though Jose comes to clip the hedges every Tuesday

Bluegrass Musicians – 15%

 

MAJOR CITIES

Louisville. The only major city in the state. No other cities are real and are considered ghost towns.

 

EDUCATION

5% can read.

2% finished high school.

 

RECREATION

Most Kentuckians enjoy going to Kentucky Wildcat games. They get a thrill out of getting their hopes up just to have them dashed by a mediocre team. See also Arizona.

 

STATS AND FUN FACTS

Official State Bird: cardinal

Official motto: “Please come here. I’m lonely.”

-state is home to 25630 Wal-Marts. Most do no business since they are located in the middle of nowhere. They will never close down their stores since then no one will be able to purchase a box of oreo cookies and the Die Hard trilogy on DVD at the same place.

– the state hopes to have high speed internet in the next 5 to 10 years.

– the state internet consists of two squirrels running back and forth along power lines.

– 3 out of the 7 total houses have running water.

– only country music exists here. If you are heard playing some other type of music, then you are lynched and then hung by the neck until dead as according to the law.

 

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM KENTUCKY

– George Clooney. Yeah, that Clooney. The handsome dream boat from ER.

– Jim Bowie. Died in the Alamo. Also known for his invention of a knife of some sort, though I don’t recall the name.

– Tom Cruise. Kentucky officially only claims him from the time he was born until the movie Minority Report. Pre crazy years.

– Johnny Depp. A pirate who was best known as the captain of the Black Pearl. Witnesses describe him as a semi intelligent man who walked as if he was drunk all the time. They thought he was dead when he went down with the ship, but somehow he was brought back in a long and drawn out sequence that is completely incomprehensible. He was known for many daring events. Including saving the damsel in distress, Orlando Bloom.

– Ashley Judd. Seen at many basketball games and stores “borrowing” things.

– Billy Ray Cyrus. The father of a famous 15 year old. The only thing important he ever did was grow a mullet.

 

I will end all these posts with pictures from Kentucky along with a description of each.

The top border was originally suppose to be much more straight, but the person who drew the original picture drank 8 coffees after a hard night of partying.

 

The Kentucky Derby.  Where horses have a moment of fame before they are turned into glue. 

 

The official state food.  also, voted most likely to succeed in high school.

 

with this picture of George Clooney included in my blog, I am now guarenteed an additional 15 visits to this site from women and some men.

 

the only instruments you are allowed to use in Kentucky.  If you are caught using anything else, you will be treated as if you do not have the right to vote.