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In today’s installment of what I know, it’s everything I know about Justin Bieber. Please do not fact check these. For if you do, then you’ll discover how ignorant I am (editor’s note: the author is pretty ignorant).
1. Justin Bieber was raised by a pack of badgers. This is why his hair is so nice.
2. Justin Bieber is actually 84 years old.
3. Justin Bieber does not know who Abraham Lincoln was, but does believe that Usher should be on the face of the penny.
4. Usher discovered Justin Bieber by accident when he typed in “pretty teenage singing girls” on Youtube.com.
5. Justin Bieber liked to wear a dress until he entered high school.
6. Justin Bieber is wanted in Canada for tax evasion.
7. Justin Bieber wears a wig and is actually completely bald.
8. Justin Bieber once stepped on a weasel.
9. Justin Bieber hangs out with black people.
10. Justin Bieber really enjoys the Canadian Healthcare system. This is why he has had all his numerous cosmetic surgeries in Quebec.
11. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber fell in love when they discovered they both really liked that Hannah Montana show.
12. Justin Bieber lost a finger in a freak toaster oven accident.
This ten-year old girl is actually Justin Bieber
In another effort to impress you, I will now list for you the celebrities who support all three of us candidates.
Oprah Winfrey- the talk show host who somehow became popular even though she’s completely full of herself. Do not adjust your television set, her head is indeed that large.
Robert DeNiro- he’s supporting Obama AND make the 195th movie in which he plays a cop.
Usher- yea THE Usher. I’d tell you a good song that he’s done but I can’t think of any.
Chris Rock- yes, I too remember him back from when he was relevant.
Brandon Routh- let’s see….he was in that last Superman movie…what else..what else…..
David Zucker: After he made spoof movies, he decided to let the genre die, something I will never forgive him for.
Dean Cain- He played superman in that one show. You know the one where they made the story of Superman into a soap opera.
Lou Ferrigno- he played the Hulk in some television show from long ago. And no, I don’t know why he matters either.
Victoria Jackson- while reading about her in the Saturday night live books has made me dislike her less, the sound of her voice still destroys my insides.
Kevin Sorbo- I will sadly admit to watching Hercules and Xena. Please keep in mind I was much younger and hadn’t developed the ability to know what was good and what wasn’t.
Jerry Bruckheimer- if McCain wins he’s planning to blow up something like it’s never been blown up before which will hopefully cover up the terrible dialogue.
Katrina Townsend- she is the number one rated export on Mr. Townsend, thus knows what she’s talking about. Also, she cooks well.
Sonya Schweighardt-her and her family fully endorse this candidate.
Joyce Moyer Hostetter- an award winning author. Not only does she endorse Johnny Townsend, she doesn’t realize she’s doing so.
Amy Lizzy – she completely agrees with Johnny and all his views and is one of his most trusted advisors.
Tom Hanks- he once told Johnny that he absolutely loves his stuff. Best dream ever.
Steven Spielburg- he endorses everything I will ever say now or in the past or in the future. He does this even though he has never met me or knows me. I have seen many of his movies so that counts for something right? Right???
So there you have it. It’s obvious from this list that Johnny Townsend is the best candidate to vote for.
This message was approved by the Vote for Johnny Townsend ‘08 campaign.