Colorado, The “I Play Wyoming’s Stunt Double” State

Colorado. What a square. Oh ha ha ha. Sorry to start off with a joke that was lame in 1972, but I do what I want cause I can.

WHERE THE NAME CAME FROM

Colorado actually means “racist against people with red skin color” in Swahili, which was the Native American tribe that originally inhabited the area. This of course is completely true, so please don’t waste time actually checking into the fact I just made up. You will not get anywhere in life, and everyone will hate you a little bit more than they already did.

 

CLIMATE

The higher up in elevation you go, the lower the temperature. This is the same belief I use when I do drugs, believing that the higher I am, then the lower my blood pressure is, therefore making cocaine a healthy habit.

 

MAJOR TERRIBLE EVENTS

The state has had it’s share of tornados, blizzards, and fires. It also has had terrible mining disasters. Many have perished working in the caves, including the entire cast of Fraggle Rock.

 

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

Colorado is full of places to go rafting, swimming, hiking, or whatever hits your fancy. However, if you hate the outdoors, then don’t go there. Just stay home if you’re a computer geek. If you do move there, then you’d be surrounded by people who are outside constantly and by women who would never procreate with you.

 

HISTORY

1803: The United States purchased the land that became Colorado. The US was iffy on buying it at first, but France threw in Utah, Wyoming, and the first three seasons of Smallville on DVD.

1878: Silver was discovered, thus began the Great Silver Rush of Colorado. While not as big or important as it’s California Gold Rush cousin, The Great Silver Rush of Colorado was just as important, allowing many poor families to make their own sporks.

1893: Colorado women were allowed to vote, becoming the first state to allow such a thing. This eventually led to Colorado women getting jobs, which led to Colorado men having millions upon millions of sandwiches go unmade.

 

 

PERCENTAGES:

64% like the mountains.

33% enjoy going to the beach.

77% go to the mountains, but secretly wish they were at the beach.

8% think the Rocky Mountains just get in the way.

 

MAJOR CITIES

Denver: named after the late singer/songwriter Jon Denver, this city is known for being so far above sea level that no one else cares about it.

Colorado Springs: Located just north of Colorado Autumns, this is where you come to sit in the city’s numerous natural hot springs and realize that you’ve done nothing with your pathetic life. You’ve just wasted your life. Sitting around waiting on things to come your way. You’re just becoming more and more pathetic everyday (EDITORS NOTE: This goes on like this for an hour followed by another full hour of weeping).

 

 

EDUCATION: most in the state of Colorado can read, although due to the altitude of the state, most believe that they are surrounded by ants.

 

FUN FACTS:

It is illegal in Colorado to not appear to be a combination of hippie and stuck up tightwad. It is required that you get a coffee at Starbucks everyday before heading off to tie yourself to a tree to save a forest.

No one knows how the Rocky Mountains got their name. Most assume it was named after a movie about a fictional boxer played by Sylvester Stallone.

 

 

FAMOUS COLORADIANS

Tim Allen: actor and comedian. Known for his grunts and his jail time.

Roseanne Barr: Somehow became popular for comedy even though she wasn’t remotely humorous.

Bill Murray: A world famous ghostbuster who helped to save New York on two separate occasions.

 

With this rock just barely hanging on to it’s foundation, it has become a symbol for Paris Hilton’s career.

 

Colorado in 2007

 

This is Colorado

 

This is not Colorado