Oregon: The Please Find Me Attractive State

Oregon has been inhabited for well over ten years.  Not only does it have beautiful forests, but it also has beautiful forest fires.  Also, Noah’s Arc might be there.  I’m lying of course to try to make Oregon sound less boring.

WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?

Oregon got it’s name from the popular computer game “Oregon Trail.”  The game became so popular that it was voted as the name of the newly founded state.  This is true.  Please don’t fact check.  Fact checking will do nothing but derail my hopes and dreams.

CLIMATE

It’s constantly raining in Oregon.  Actually I’m assuming this.  And assuming has never gotten anyone in trouble.

CLIMATE EVENTS

Oregon is hit with severe storms, floods, earthquakes, and extreme amounts of boredom.

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

1.  Oregon Vortex — It’s considered America’s premier “mystery spot.”  This means that since 1930, the Oregon Vortex has been tricking people out of their money for years.  The optical illusions weren’t originally done on purpose however.  It was just built by really terrible carpenters.

2. Henry the Bear — You can visit Henry, a real live bear.  You can also feed it cookies, hamburger meat, your left hand or a small child.

HISTORY

–Some say that humans have lived in Oregon as far back as 15,000 years ago.  They didn’t stay long once they realized they were in Oregon and there was nothing to do there.

–After Oregon was admitted as a state in 1859, many people decided to adventure out to the new frontier for a fresh start.  Many didn’t make it.  Most drowned while trying to fjord rivers.  Even more died from dysentery.  These are jokes about the video game that I played as a child in first grade.  It was there that I learned disappointment, failure, and what you can’t do with floppy discs.

DEMOGRAPHICS

Oregon’s population has topped out at 101 people and 300 billion trees.  90 percent live in Portland, while the other 10 percent wonder how they ended up there.

RACES

Caucasians – 88%

African Americans – 5%

Hippies – 45%

African American Hippies – Dwayne.  Although most suspect he’s just pretending to be a hippie for the pot.

MAJOR CITIES

Portland.  In this amazing city, you will find a lot to enjoy if you like to do things.  (Editor Note:  the author fell asleep while trying to come up with why Portland was exciting)

EDUCATION

99% can read.
1% is an infant.

RECREATION

Most Oregon residents spend their time climbing trees and trying to convince other people that Oregon isn’t a part of Canada.

FUN FACTS

*Bill Gates, Microsoft, and Starbucks are in Washington.  And that’s near Oregon.

*You can break all the mirrors you want to in Oregon since it’s already considered to be bad luck to be living there in the first place.

*Oregon had to ban the act of whistling while being under water when it was discovered that people were drowning while trying to do so.

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM OREGON

Matt Groening, the creator of the Simpson.  He is known for not only creating the longest running prime time tv series in history, but also for not knowing when to quit something when it stopped being good.

Dallas McKennon.  Not only was he the voice of Tony the Tiger, but also, Heeeeeeeee’s dead.

This marks the third or fourth time I referenced The Oregon Trail.  I am planning on writing a movie based on this game, in which I go to the west for a new start just to end up dying when I get bitten by a badger.

The city of Portland has been stalking California since 1992, constantly jumping behind these bushes when California would turn around.

This is what Oregon looks like.  I know, I’m scared too.

The Epic Showdown Between Johnny and Donatello

Donatello stared at Johnny. “Who do you think you are? That’s my piece of chicken pot pie!” Johnny’s eyes turned angry. “You stupid green turtle, it’s mine!” The two stared down each other, and as they did, the whole world stopped

Donatello leaps first, grabbing Johnny by his neck, choking him with all his might. “I will end you!” Donatello screamed.

Donatello then begins his assault. He had an advantage Johnny did not have, for he was taught martial arts by a rat in the sewers of New York City. Donatello lands a swift and brutal kick to the face of Johnny.

 

What Donatello failed to realize, however, was that Johnny had been taught kung fu from a weasel in New Mexico. Johnny’s lightning quick hand catches Donatello. Donatello gasps for air. “You are even better than Steven Segal!” Donatello says as a bit of fear creeps into his turtle mind.

Thinking quickly, Donatello slugs Johnny with all his might, sending the nerd toppling over. Donatello, thinking it was finally over, turns his head to begin his walk into the sunset.

Johnny comes too and yells “Not so fast!” Johnny catches Donatello in the face with a punch that could be felt as far away as (insert name of far away place here)

Johnny grabs the phone and uses the cord to his advantage, wrapping it around Donatello’s neck. “This collect call is free!” Johnny says, allowing the long line of terrible one liners in action movies to continue.

Johnny knew it wasn’t over. He must end this quickly if he was to have his honor and the piece of chicken pot pie. Johnny reaches for a bag and puts it over Donatello’s head, holding it there as the ninja struggles.

Finally Donatello stops moving. Johnny holds it there for a few extra seconds just to make sure. Donatello lay there, motionless. Johnny had won the epic showdown, but at what cost?

Johnny, now tired after the epic battle, realizes he now has his honor back and can go back to doing the things he should do, like actually doing work.