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The entry below and any other entry i write on this are purely for humor’s sake. Do i endorse child abuse? no absolutely not. Most of the humorous things i write have a point to them, the point being in this one that some parents take it to far and push their child over the edge. Children should be pushed to a point, but they should also be allowed to become who they are. so before i get any emails asking me if i had terrible parents, i didn’t. in fact i have great parents. my dad could probably beat your dad up. i welcome all feedback, even if you do not agree with me or my rants of stupidness. i am dedicated to making this blog the most popular blog in the entire universe. sometimes i may say something that some people would find “offensive.” these people are nazis. are you a nazi? i didn’t think so.
i hope yall enjoyed this how to blog, for there are many more coming. if you have anything you would like to know how to do, then ask me and by golly gee willickers ill flipping write a how to on it.
lastly, here is a link to Sonya’s blog.
go check it out. if there is any way you can help them with their adoption, they would appreciate it. Even if it is just to say a prayer or showing support.
this is the last important notice i will give. i only wrote it after negative feedback i recieved. but as they say in the blog business, any press is good press. the main question now is, why aren’t i being hired by newspapers to write for them? they need me. and i need money. see how that could work beautifully?
so read my blogs, if not, then obviously you hate democracy.
This is the first in a series of how to blogs. Collect the whole set.
So you went through your whole life but have nothing to show for it. All your hopes and dreams have been dashed away by father time. What to do….the answer is simple my friends. You have a child. With this child you will be able to live your dreams through them, which is exactly what they are for. By following my handy guide, you will be able to do this very thing!
Step 1: Start Early.
As soon as your son (let’s face it, if you have a daughter you might as well start over) is born, you have to instill in him your dominance over his life. You grab him from the womb and shake his face. Tell him you are his father and he will do as you say. Now, this may cause whining and crying. If it does, you call your son weak and shout at him till his crying stops. If not, a good ole slapping may just do the trick.
Step 2: Peewee Sports
As soon as they’re able to start real school, they can play in a sport. The acceptable sports they are allowed to play include football, basketball and baseball. Anything else and you might as well put a pink tutu on your son and try again. Now, when a child is playing a sport for the first time, you will encounter boring games. For example, I once witnessed a kid game at the Y where the final score was 3 to 2. That is all fine and dandy if it was baseball or hockey, but alas, it was basketball.
So what do you do during these? Simple, you work on your parenting skills. Here are a few acceptable things to yell out at your son’s peewee game.
“Either you score or you sleep outside again tonight!”
“you are the stupidest son I could have possibly conceived!”
“when I get you home, im going to show you everything you did wrong with my belt!”
“I can talk to my son anyway I want!”
“You can’t kick me out im in the PTA!!”
“Son, meet me after the game at the truck and bring a switch.”
Now that you have that down, it is also important to know that there is a chance you will be kicked out of games. But remember, nothing says I love you more then the number of games you get kicked out of.
IMPORTANT NOTE: if you start to go soft on your child, they will sense it. They can smell it. If you feel yourself starting to sway that way, just find a dark place and remember how much of a failure you are. Remember how all those people who told you that you weren’t going to amount to anything were right. Once the anger has found it’s rightful place inside you, then you are ready to continue.
Step 3: High School
You must make sure that your child knows how important it is to be popular. Without popularity, you are nothing. And if your child becomes popular, then through them you are too popular. It’s simple math.
Popular child + Parent of popular child = Popular Parent
Now, im no mathamatician (my SAT scores prove as much), but that seems like a simple open and shut case. Your child must become popular. If they do not, then you have failed yet again. You stupid loser. There are some simple steps you must force your child to take so they will become popular.
1. They must find the most popular person in school and punch them in the face. Just as it is in the animal kingdom, the top lion must be taken down in order for someone else to assume that position. If your child ends up losing that fight, then you can just tell them they’re adopted and send them off to find their real parents.
2. Make fun of those different and less fortunate then you. This step is key. All the popular kids do it. Some popular names to call those kids include…
Stupid doo doo head!
Sorry excuse for a person!
HA HA you’re black!
(that last one can be used for any minority)
3. Never let them join a club. Especially chess, science or math club. This will instantly destroy all your hard work.
4. They must play a sport. This is crucial. If they are not a jock, then what are they really? Even superman joined the football team (I got this from the historical documents entitled “smallville”)
Step 4: College
Ahh the college years. This is where your child goes off on his own. This is also where you make sure you remembers where he came from and that without you he is and has nothing. In college he will make new friends. Your job now is to make sure those friends are popular. You do not want your son to end up dropping out of college so he can pursue his dungeons and dragons career in your basement.
Step 5: The Real World
This is what decides if your work has paid off. I will now list occupations that are ones you are allowed to be proud of. If your child has become one of these, then congradulations, you are now living your dream through his.
1. Football player
2. Basketball player
3. Baseball player
Now is a list of things that he must not become. If he does, then you are a failure yet again.
2. School counselor
There you have it. Easy steps on how to live your dream through your child. Remember to start them early. If you want them to be the basketball player you never were, then you make them dribble by age 5 months. If you want them to be the rock star you weren’t, then by golly they better be listening to some rock music as soon as their ears develop.
Lastly, I know one of the criticisms that will come my way is the fact that I have no children. And that women literally cringe in disgust if I attempt to hold their hand. This, however, does not mean I don’t know what I’m talking about. The fact is, I never know what im talking about. This is america, where my ignorance is allowed to run free!
In my many blogs, i have constantly put down a little known band that goes by the name Nickelback. Recently, many people have come to me asking me just why i have such hatred for them (side note: mostly women take up for them, which i guess means they look cute but don’t have to actually have any ability). well today i reveal it. The main reason why i have such contempt for Nickelback. why just hearing a song by them makes my ears bleed inside. Each time i hear a nickelback song, a year is taken off my life. Im now down to 41 years old. And that’s if i dont hear another nickelback song.
but why exactly do i have a problem with them? is it because their songs all now sound the same? is it because that since they got popular they apparently feel its ok just to coast on through now (guess it does work tho, look at the Eagles). Is it due to the fact that they’re canadian (possibly)? Well, here’s the real reason….
They had potential. There. I used to like them. I bought one of their first cd’s and liked it a lot. Leader of Men was a particulary good song. So, what im about to do is to show you to sets of lyrics. One from one of their first songs (aka a song that shows they have potential) and one from one of their latest songs (aka horse dung). That’s all im going to do. Im not even going to say anything afterwards since i believe it speaks for itself.
Here’s A sample of lyrics from Nickelback – Leader of Men (older song)
Tell your friends not to think out loud until they swallow.
Whisper things into my brain, your voice sounds so hollow.
I am not a leader of men since I prefer to follow.
Do you think I could have a drink since it’s so hard to swallow.
Yeah, so hard to swallow.
See? while that isnt by any means amazing, it’s at least decent and shows promise. But alas, promise was all they showed. Here are some lyrics to a newer song.
We were parked out by the tracks
We’re sitting in the back
And we just started getting busy
When she whispered “what was that?”
The wind, I think ’cause no one else knows where we are
And that was when she started screamin’
“That’s my dad outside the car!”
and, just so im proving my point, ill leave you with one more lyric part from a new nickelback song. ill edit it just in case people below legal age see it.
I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up BEEP holes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I’ll have the quesadilla, on the house)