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The number one song in America right now is “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha (that’s right with a dollar sign).  This of course is what we deserve for all those years we enslaved people.  But if you listen to the song you may not understand it.  So that’s where I come in.  Today, I’m going to give you the lyrics to the song and then tell you what exactly they mean.  So strap in.

Tik Tok by Ke$ha

Wake up in the morning
Feeling like P Diddy
Grab my glasses
I’m out the door

So she wakes up before lunch time.  She happens to feel like P. Diddy.  I assume this means she feels black, talentless, and like making some cash off of a dead more talented friend.  She doesn’t have her contacts with her, so she grabs her glasses.  I mean, you got to see where you’re walking to right?  Then she goes out the door.  Not cause you want her to, but because she wants to.  Very empowering to all the young ladies out there.

I’m gonna hit the city
Before I leave
Brush my teeth with a
Bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for
The night I aint coming back

The city has done her wrong so she’s going to hit it.  She fails to realize that “the city” is a physical place and not something you can “hit.”  She remembers before she goes out the door that she forgot to brush her teeth.  Apparently she was out of Crest so she grabs the next best thing: an alcoholic beverage.  That’s why some people brush their teeth with Pepsi products.  She’s going to leave for the entire night and she’ll be damned if she’s coming back.  No way.  Not her.  Not now.  Not ever.  Well, at least not tonight.

I’m talking pedicure on our toes (toes)
Tryin on all our clothes (clothes)
Boys blowin up our phones (phones)
Drop topping, playing our favorite CD’s
Pulling up to the partys
Tryin a get a little bit TIPSY

She wants to get her toes looking very nice to make up for how the rest of her looks like she just walked out of a trailer park from the deep south.  She tries on all her clothes. She’s showing responsibility and wants to make sure they fit.  But she knows they will since she does cocaine and only weighs 14 pounds.  Then some guys get their phones and explode them.  Perhaps as a prank of some sort or just because they like the pretty colors.  She has a favorite cd (I’m assuming New Kids on the Block) and she can only play it with her shirt off.  The she goes to parties so she can get drunk and pass out and forget that she has no ambitions.

Don’t Stop
Make it Pop
DJ blown my speakers up
Tonight I’ma fight

She enjoys the music so much that she doesn’t want it to stop (this could also be a sexual reference).  She wants the speakers so loud that they pop and destroy themselves, but it’s ok since she didn’t pay for them anyway.  The DJ has blown up her speakers (she apparently lets guys get a hold of her things and explode them).  She wants to fight since she realizes that she’s famous for this song and that gives her little credibility in anything in the entire world.

Till we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don’t stop
No oh, oh oo whoa oo whoa oh
Oh oo whoa oo whoa oh
Oh oo whoa oo whoa oh

She is going to stay out until the sun wakes up.  This is the very same thing she would do constantly to ensure she could always disappoint her parents.  The clock makes the sound “tick tock”.  Apparently she only has an old time like clock with her since she doesn’t have a digital watch and some boys had exploded her cell phone earlier in the evening.  Even though the next day is arriving, the party is not ending.  No it’s not. oh oo whoa oo whoa oh it’s not.  oh oo whoa oo whoa oh.

Aint got a care in the world
But got plenty of BEER
Aint got no money in my pocket
But I’m already here

She doesn’t have a care in the world, just like most young blonde white girls.  She does have plenty of beer.  She’s completely broke, but it doesn’t matter, since she’s a young blond white girl and will never pay for anything.

And now the dudes are lining up
Cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb
Unless they look like Mick Jagger

The word has gotten around to everyone.  So the guys start showing up because they heard there are some drunk blond girls dancing .  But they don’t have a chance with them unless they look like an 82 year old skinny drug abuser who’s face is melting off.

I’m talkin bout
Everybody getting crunk (crunk)
Boys try to touch my junk (junk)
Gonna smack em if there gettin too drunk (drunk)
Night night we going to kick this out (out)
The police shut us down (down)
Police shut us down (down)
Po po shut us (DOWN)

She’s talking about everyone there getting crunk.  Crunk, of course, is the combination of “crap” and “junk”.  Some boys there are trying to touch her junk.  Junk means her personal area and apparently some male children are trying to touch it, but to be fair they’re just now discovering their own bodies.  She will not hesitate to smack an adolescent male child if they do touch her.  She’s getting tired now and told everyone good night. The police came to shut down the festivities, probably because of the possibility of riots and looting.

You build me up
You break me down
My heart it poundin
Yeah you got me
With my hands up
You got me now
You got that sound
Yea you got me

This whole part is about her getting arrested.  I would say more to explain this, but I just don’t care enough.

So there you have it folks.  Now when you hear this amazing piece of art on the radio you will know exactly what it means.

It’s 2010 and that means it’s time for you, my loyal readers, to find out what my New Years Resolutions are as well as my Horoscopes.  I will not let you down.  Unless I do let you down.  Which in that case it probably means your expectations were much too high. 

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

I don’t make typical resolutions.  Most people who make them do not keep them for more than three months.  Resolutions such as exercise more, eat better, be more on time, etc.  I make real resolutions.  Ones that I vow to keep.

1.  I will not murder any small rabbits unless they run in front of my car.  If they do that, then they’re on their own.  I can’t help that rabbits are suicidal.

2.  I will continue to hate deer.  Ever since one RAN INTO ME while driving I have vowed to hate them.  I will continue to do so.  I promise that if I ever see more deer, I will pull over, I will find the most blunt object I can find and beat them senseless in front of their deer children. 

3.  I will tell myself that I’m going to eat better, but instead I will eat so much that after eating, I will think about how much I hate myself and how this is what I deserve.

4.  I promise to promote myself more.  I will put myself in everyone’s face.  I’m aware of how that sounded, and I’m ok with that.  Enjoy my blogs.  Enjoy my art.  Enjoy my creativity! 

5.  I will not slip on any banana peels.  This is actually pretty easy.  The only time I’ve ever done this is when I experimented to see if banana peels were actually slippery.  UPDATE:  They are.
 

 

YOUR 2010 HOROSCOPES

ARIES:  Love is in the air.  You will find someone and fall in love with them.  This will last for a good and happy 2 weeks before you realize that you’re actually dating a flying squirrel and that it had been cheating on you with the chipmunk down the street.

LEO:  It’s time for a career change.  You will realize that you deserve better than what you are currently doing and will finally apply for that fast food restaurant drive thru manager job.  Not only will you get that job, but you’ll also be able to get that used Mini Van you had been having your eyes on.  After this you will realize how horrendous your life is and become a hermit who goes around the country molesting 25 year old men.

SAGITTARIUS:  The stars will align for you.  Not only will you win the lottery, but that one person you really hate will become homeless.  You know who I’m talking about.  Yeah, that guy. 

TAURUS:  I want to tell you this will be a good year for you, but truth is, nothing good will happen to you this year and nothing good ever will. 

VIRGO:  You will begin a long term relationship that will end once your significant other realizes that you were always lip syncing while playing as the lead singer on Rock Band 2.

CAPRICORN:  Your mind will run rampant with thoughts that you are destined for greater things.  I’ll save you some time, you aren’t.

GEMINI:  The highlight of your year will be when you purchase Gremlins 2 on blu-ray.  This will prompt you to reevaluate your life and for your friends to put you in a psych ward for your own safety.

LIBRA:  This year will be full of events that are both good and bad.  You will find love, but that person will be hideously fat.  You will get a good job, but you will hate it.  You will make new friends, but they will despise you.  You will see a movie trailer that makes you really want to see a movie, but then you’ll discover that Nicholas Cage is in it.

AQUARIUS:  You will tell yourself that you will finally get things on track only to discover that you will spend the whole year doing nothing to make yourself go forward.  You will be told how great you are only to realize that no one knows who you are nor what you do.  Also, you will release a bunch of Youtube videos that 3 people will like.

CANCER:  You will realize that your hair will never end up the way you want it to.  I’m sorry, but it’s best you just realize that so you can move on.

SCORPIO:  You will strive to accomplish all the goals you have set with your life.  You will actually accomplish 3% of them.  But keep your chin up.  If Obama can win a Nobel Prize for doing nothing, then you can win a prize for sleeping in bed all day.

PISCES:  The stars say that 2010 will be your year.  And by your year I mean you will finally be able to get a patent for your time machine, even though two monkeys had died during your experiments. 
I hope everyone has a great 2010.