You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘humor’ tag.

A recent survey from Duke University showed that most Americans are more likely to purchase a product when it’s priced cheaper.  Many retail chains were suprised by this result.  Jefferey Tanner, lead manager at a local Best Buy, said “I am completely suprised by this!  This may change the way retail stores do business.”   The lead scientist from Duke University, Sam Cisco, stated that while he was also completely caught off guard with the outcome of the results, he would still get paid thousands of dollars that could of went to research diseases.  “I am surprised by the results of our survey.  But I’ll still get my benjamins.”  said the scientist.

The results of the survey showed that 99% of the people polled said they were more likely to buy something when it was priced cheaper.  The other 1% surveyed were dead.

This store was one of many stores to be completely caught off guard by people wanting to buy things at cheaper prices.

Advertisements

Aries:  You will be chosen as the new voice for the AFLAC duck.  You will then become king of all the ducks with your power of speech.  You will reign supreme over all the ducks, and you will also enjoy the luxury of no longer having to wear pants.

Leo:  You will finally have 2000 friends on Facebook.  You will celebrate this achievement by yourself in your cheap one room apartment.

Sagittarius:  Your wish of becoming a movie star comes true.  You will be second billed in the fifth Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants film.  This, of course, will end your career as a movie star just as it began.

Taurus:  Your love of Kool-Aid will be your downfall during the great Kool-Aid shortage of 2011.   Luckily this will lead you to find out the awesomeness of Hawaiian Punch.  However, your second downfall will come during the great Hawaiian Punch shortage of 2012.

Virgo:  Love is in the air.  Not only will you find the love of your life, but you will also be able to spend the rest of your life with them once they pass the law saying it’s ok to marry a goat.

Capricorn:  You will eat an oatmeal cookie.  And it will be mediocre.

Gemini:  You will become the only one who thinks Avatar was slightly overrated.  James Cameron will be slightly annoyed that he didn’t get more than 20 bucks out of you.

Libra:  You will become outraged that George Lucas has released the Star Wars movies once again, and this time in 3D.  You will curse this and cry out in outrage.  Then you will get in line each time to see them all once again.

Aquarius:  You will realize how embarrassing it is to not know how to swim and to be afraid of dying in some water.  You will then drown while taking swimming classes while Alanis Morissette’s “Isn’t It Ironic” plays over the loud speaker.

Cancer:  You will realize that no matter what anyone says, you will be a superhero.  You will then be turned into a mental hospital after running around public with your underwear on the outside of your clothes.

Scorpio:  Darkwing Duck will come to you and ask you to help him.  It seems he has forgotten how to be the hero he is.  You will teach him, and he will…get….dangerous.  You will also come to know how lazy the author of this horoscope is when you realize this is the second sign with some sort of famous duck in it.

Pisces:  Donald Duck will be cured of his speech impediment.  He will claim it was you who helped him.  Told you the author of this horoscope is lazy.

In today’s installment of what I know, everything I know about dolphins.

1.  Not only can dolphins swim, they can also do a mean Bill Cosby impression.

2.  Dolphins like to put “Slippery When Wet” stickers on other dolphins backs when they’re not looking.

3.  In 1992, a gang of dolphins robbed and beat an old woman nearly to death.  The case was thrown out, however, when for the crime the judge could not find a porpoise.

4.  Just like most humans, dolphins do not find Kathy Griffin funny.

5.  While being one of the most famous dolphins, Flipper was also an alcoholic.

6.  A sit com starring two dolphins and a baby titled “Two and a Half Fins” was cancelled when the producers discovered there was another sit com with a similar title.

7.  Most dolphins can get into any college of their choosing.

8.  Dolphins still kick themselves for not being there to save Leonardo DiCaprio when the Titanic sank.

These dolphins are actually planning the eventual invasion of the humans.  They got this from a Simpsons episode and thought it seemed like a pretty good idea.

In today’s installment of what I know, it’s everything I know about Justin Bieber.  Please do not fact check these.  For if you do, then you’ll discover how ignorant I am (editor’s note: the author is pretty ignorant).

1.  Justin Bieber was raised by a pack of badgers.  This is why his hair is so nice.

2.  Justin Bieber is actually 84 years old.

3.  Justin Bieber does not know who Abraham Lincoln was, but does believe that Usher should be on the face of the penny.

4.  Usher discovered Justin Bieber by accident when he typed in “pretty teenage singing girls” on Youtube.com. 

5.  Justin Bieber liked to wear a dress until he entered high school.

6.  Justin Bieber is wanted in Canada for tax evasion.

7.  Justin Bieber wears a wig and is actually completely bald.

8.  Justin Bieber once stepped on a weasel.

9.  Justin Bieber hangs out with black people.

10.  Justin Bieber really enjoys the Canadian Healthcare system.  This is why he has had all his numerous cosmetic surgeries in Quebec.

11.  Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber fell in love when they discovered they both really liked that Hannah Montana show.

12.  Justin Bieber lost a finger in a freak toaster oven accident. 

This ten-year old girl is actually Justin Bieber

More What I Know About Bears

>Bears refuse to believe that the first three episodes of Star Wars ever happened.

>Bears enjoy a mild climate.  This is purely due to the fact that with a milder climate, there are more humans to maul.

>A bear once came in 3rd in the Boston Marathon.

>Macaulay Culkin’s stunt double during the Home Alone movies was a bear.

>Bears can not only stand on their back feet, they can also shadow box.

>95% of bears are Scientologists.

This is the deadly Bi-Polar Bear.  One minute you think it’s all cute, then the next minute it’s biting your head off because you happened to think that American Idol has run it’s course.

These bears pretend to be all caring, but actually they’re federally wanted drug dealers.

This bear won the 1984 National Spelling Bee and also became The World Sewing Champion in 1992.

This famous bear was known for his stand up comedy which not only led him to have a long running sit-com in which he was married to an out of his league attractive woman, but also to many stints in rehab.

In a stunning showing of survival, this Polar Bear lived on top of a giant frozen mushroom for 44 days before realizing it could probably swim.

These bears were caught in the middle of a slow motion run and hug.  Or a bear hug if you will (for those keeping count, that is approximately the 4569th bear pun I have ever come up with).

This bear is considered one of the creepiest bears around, simply for the fact that it always wears pants but never wears a shirt.

This bear is wanted in fourteen states for vicious pic-nic basket robberies.

Recently I decided to write a few letters to some major companies.  Below are the actual letters that I actually did send via their websites. 

Dear Nestle,

I, for one, do enjoy you’re water that comes in a bottled form.  I like to sit on my front porch on a hot summer evening, just drinking Nestle Bottled Water and eating buckets of drumsticks.  However, lately I have noticed that the neck of your bottles have become increasingly smaller.  I now find it difficult to drink the water, and every time i try to my clothes become soaked with h2o.  I know it is due to the water bottle no longer having a neck.  Well, either that or because I don’t have any hands or fingers.  I still like your water Nestle, and will continue to drink your water, but I will hope for a longer neck in the future. 

Thank you for your time.  Please give my regards to your coffee.

P.s. I was kidding about the hands and fingers thing.  I mean, how else am i typing this email?  Come on!  THINK NESTLE!

Dear Hershey,
I really enjoy your products.  Your chocality goodness has really helped me with my soul crushing fights with depression.  I once ate one of your candy bars and for that forty-five minutes it took me to eat it (i eat slowly to avoid injury) I was happy.  Thank you for all that you have done for me in my life.  I wish I could cry tears of chocolate and send that to you, but alas, I can only cry tears of whatever liquid is in my body.  I could still send that to you, but that wouldn’t taste as good as chocolate tears and would also be creepy.  So thank you, Hershey.  Thank you.

Dear Healthy Choice,

I really enjoy your products.  Your sweet and sour chicken is especially delicious.  However, I have a problem with the color of your boxes that contain the food.  When I am walking to my car in the morning heading to work and holding my Healthy Choice meal that I’m going to enjoy that day for lunch, I trip and fall in the grass, dropping my Healthy Choice meal.  Now keep in mind that this does not happen every day, but I then spend hours hunting in the green grass for a green box.  To date, I have currently lost over 145 Healthy Choice meals, as well as had two swollen ankle injuries and now have 75% less pride.  I will continue to enjoy your products, but I hope to one day see a different box so that I may find them when I drop them in the grass. 

I really enjoy your product.  Thank you for making it. 

P.S. none of this has actually every happened to me, but I’m sure it could possibly.  I’m an idea man.

Dear Dole,
I really enjoy your bananas.  I eat them constantly.  I like to spend my mornings eating a bowl of Dole banana cereal.  However, it has become a growing concern with me how your bananas are shaped.  They could cause injuries.  What if a child tied two of your bananas together and used them as a nunchuk?  This is a growing problem in my town.  My town has become over run by gangs of children with Dole banana nunchucks.  I cannot go out at night until after 10, which is their bedtime.  I have been beaten a few times, and in fact have become more bruised than the nunchuk banana that was used to beat me.  I hope that you take this into account when making your bananas.  Perhaps you could make them in a circle shape and Nerf like?

Dear Panda Express,
I find your Panda Express Bear very scary and your food very good, which confuses me greatly.  I have went through months of counseling to help me with my problem, but alas, I am still confused.  I mean, how can i be scared of the Panda Express Bear yet love the food he provides?  I just thought you should know how dedicated I am to your food that I would try to conquer my fear.

Thank you Panda Express for your food, and perhaps you could make your panda bear have a smile?  or wear a funny hat?

Dear Hanes,
Your products have been providing me with comfort for years and I think you for that.  However, I am beyond saddened and hurt that Hanes has yet to make an edible boxer brief.  I cannot count you the times I have been stranded in my car in the middle of no where and starving with nothing to eat, thinking to myself if only i could eat my Hanes Boxer Briefs that I am currently wearing.  I know earlier when I said i couldn’t count you the times, I lied.  Since it has happened 52 times.  So please consider making this product in the future, you may just save a life.

Dear General Mills,
I enjoy your products greatly.  I must tell you how your product has helped me.  You see General Mills, your Cheerios have saved my life.  There I was, just minding my own business, when I tripped and fell while walking on a field.  They rushed me to the hospital, as i was unconscious and my blood pressure was up to 345 over 7.  They declared me clinically dead.  Then, one of the doctors quickly leaped into action, stuffing Cheerios down my face and making me crunch them.  My eyes opened just then, and I would have smiled and hugged my loved ones if I didn’t live alone with my 56 cats.  But thanks to your product I am now breathing this day.

P.S.  I can’t back this story up with any sort of “facts.” 

I will let you all know if I get any sort of response.

It was recently announced that all of the Star Wars movies would come out in the near future on Blu-ray. I got the honor of getting a sneak peak at all the extras and add-ons that will be available on the special discs. I know, I know. You’re welcome.

1. There will be approximately 105 plus hours of added scenes. Here is a run down of some of what is added.

-Two scenes of Jabba the Hutt sweating to the oldies.

-45 extra hours of Stormtroopers going home to their wives. Their wives then hag and hag them asking them why they never ask for a promotion.

-6 more hours of Stormtroopers looking around in an desert.

-Han shoots third.

2. George Lucas’s very own intern states that he believes he heard George Lucas apologize for the prequels once, but then again George Lucas could have just eaten some bad Mexican food.

3. The truth behind Yoda’s speech impediment (hint: head injury)

4. Additional outtakes of Hayden Christensen learning how to look out windows.

5. Exclusive interview with R2-D2 about how C-3PO only seemed attracted to other male-like robots.

6. Behind the scenes: watch George Lucas eat twelve turkey and cheese sandwiches.

7. Casting the movie: How it took them four years to find someone tall and hairy enough to play Chewbacca.

8. A feature about interesting and little known facts. Including…

-Luke Skywalker was originally going to be a miniature pig.

-Not only is Lando cool, he’s also wanted in fourteen galaxies for shoplifting.

-When you became a Stormtrooper, you received good pay and insurance, but not dental.

-Stormtrooper training consisted of learning how to stumble, how not to shoot straight, how to miss important main characters when firing a blaster, and how to be incredibly gullible.

-Harrison Ford’s favorite movie is “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days“.

 

That’s just a handful of the amazing extras that will be included in the set. No official release date has been set yet, so stay tuned!

Today’s Headlines….

In the Lebron James decision, ESPN broadcasted an hour-long special in which Lebron James made the country wait for almost 40 minutes to tell us what team he would play for.  In related news, I will announce what friend I’m going to hang out with this weekend in a special hour-long program to air on ABC. 

Lady Gaga plays John Lennon’s famous white piano, causing many Beatles fans to cry foul.  The more suprising part of this is the fact that Lady Gaga can play piano.

BP has finished placing a brand new seal over the oil leak.  If this doesn’t work, the next step will be throwing pieces of beef jerky down the pipe in hopes that Jennifer Love Hewitt will follow it.

Sarah Palin’s people skills have been growing stronger and stronger.  However, her get in the kitchen and make a sandwich skills have been sadly declining.

Scott Stapp, lead singer from the once popular band Creed, welcomed a new son.  No word on if he welcomed his child “with arms wide open.”

Mel Gibson was caught saying a death threat to his girl friend.  In Gibson’s defense, he thought his girl friend was Jewish.

In this new segment, I review movies without having seen them.  Today’s movie review is The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (I also haven’t seen any of the movies in this series). 

PLOT: A girl (named Bella apparently) is easily attracted to non-human beings.  After her relationship with a goat ends, she turns her attention to an emo vampire.  She desperately wants to become a vampire.  The emo vampire says no, as he prefers to listen to Fall Out Boy while watching episodes of Boy Meets World instead.  Bella is devastated by the news, so she decides to go out with a guy who can turn into a terrible looking CG dog.  Bella cannot decide which one she likes more.  The emo vampire guy is romantic and the guy who can turn into a terrible looking CG dog is allergic to wearing shirts.  The vampire and the CG dog get into a heated argument over Bella, thus leading to an epic showdown battle at the end.  Both sides lose however when it is discovered that Bella has already begun a relationship with Frankenstein.

ACTING:  Kristen Stewart does a fine job as Bella, and by fine I mean on the MTV reality television show acting fine.  Robert Pattinson does his best to convince you he’s not into men, and Taylor Lautner has the most difficult acting job of all by constantly walking around without a shirt on.

FINAL THOUGHT:  I would rather watch the newer Star Wars movies than any of the Twilight Series.  Now, I know I am not the target audience for this kind of movie, but I guess I always hope teen girls and women would have better taste in movies.  Watch the show Supernatural instead, it’s much, much better than this (even tho I haven’t seen these movies, I still feel I can make that guarantee). 

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE:  Teen girls who think Ke$ha is talented and older women who are upset that they’re getting older.

RATING:  Fifty “How Do These Movies Make This Much Money’s”

It’s America’s Birthday today.  The day that America was officially founded.  In this episode of my blog, I will celebrate America with some facts about it’s founding.  You’re welcome.

-George Washington’s teeth were false as the legend holds.  But they were actually made out of skulls of small kittens.

-America was discovered in 1974, when Tobey Maguire first landed here accidently when he was on his way to find a new passage to India.

-Benjamin Franklin not only invented many things, he also was an alcoholic.  And he did drugs.  He also was the father of many illegitimate children. 

-Fireworks were named after Lloyd B. Fireworks, who invented the colorful explosive while also blowing off his own left hand.

-George Washington liked to smack the buttocks of his soldiers during battle after they made a “good shot.”

-Benjamin Franklin invented Microsoft.

-John Adams, who would go on to become the second president, was against Thomas Jefferson writing any important document, stating that “John Hancock had much prettier handwriting and was easier to read.”

-The American Flag was actually created and sewn by a badger.

-America gained it’s independence from Brittain, defeating every one of their ninjas.

-George Washington only ever told one lie.  After chopping down a cherry tree, he told his father that he hadn’t done it, and then proceeded to blame it on George W. Bush.

-During many of the meetings of the Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin was often yelled at for “constant and excessive texting.”

Those are just some of the facts about the founding of America.  See what happens when you pay attention to history class?  Enjoy your holiday and be safe.  Over and out!