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Are you a guy who’s out of luck when it comes to the ladies? Well please fear not! For I have teamed up with one of the best lady getters in Trevor. Together we have compiled a list of Dating Tips. Follow these to the letter. Trust us. We know what women want.

My tips will be in bold
Trevor’s will be in italics

1. Get a woman. This may be accomplished one of two ways. Way number 1:Being attractive. Way number 2: With a heavy club and a couple of pills slipped into her drink.

2. Don’t even talk about that one really awesome movie you like. She doesn’t care. Trust me.

3. Become interested in whatever she is interested in. Yes, you may have to like that ridiculous vampire movie. All of them.

4. NEVER look her in the eyes. The female species can smell fear. They can also smell nervousness, cheapness, and the occasional silent fart.

5. How do you smell fear or cheapness? Those are states of being, not odors…

6. Tell her you love her every day, unless she doesn’t like that. In that case, you’ve just blown your chances of ever being more than a friend. Way to go, genius…

7. Never tell a woman she looks good. She may ask if she does, but deep down in your bottomless, dark and lonely soul you know she doesn’t care what you think she looks like. In fact, if you touch her she’d probably be disgusted. She looks so disgusted…(author begins to sob uncontrollably)

8. Jeez man…she really hurt you didn’t she? I have a tissue…ok, yeah that’s fine you can cry on my shoulder. A good cry only proves you’re a real man. Any girl would be lucky to have you.

9. When you are out in public and she starts checking her phone every 5 seconds, that means she is way into you. To return the affection, start making phone calls to all your loud friends and be sure to make vulgar jokes about minorities.

10. It’s ok to be vulgar. Women love a bad boy.

11. If, on the first date, you receive a phone call, then for the love of God answer it. It could be an emergency for crying out loud!! Oh? What’s that? It’s just Trevor? Heyyyyyy Trevorrrrr!!! What’s up? Oh I’m just on a date. Yeah I know, she must be desperate. Halo Reach? Sure I can play some of that later…

12. Don’t dive out-of-the-way of a baseball to let your date get hit in the face. Unless you have a really pretty face and she doesn’t.

13. If you’re attacked by a monster, then throw her in it’s terrible, violent path. She will understand. And later you will both have something to laugh about.

14. Don’t ever tell your date how you let your last date get hit in the face with a baseball and mauled to death by a wild animal. That makes you sound like a cupcake.

15. Did someone say cupcakes?

16. Dang, I could really go for a cupcake right now…

17. Go on a date with a woman who will make you cupcakes.

18. If the date falls apart, can I come over for cupcakes?

19. If a girl doesn’t offer you cupcakes then you can certainly do better. Unless you’re horribly unnattractive, which in that case you probably made up the fact that there’s a girl willing to go out with you in the first place (author sobs uncontrollably for the second time)

20. A sense of humor is an aphrodisiac to women…or so I’ve been told….by my lonely, lonely self…(author asks for a minute and goes outside to sob)

21. Talking about being lonely and unattractive is a sure way to get a date. Women will assume your humility is enormous. Women love a man with a huge…humility.

22. What a woman really loves is a self-deprecating man. That’s why so many comedians are really happy in their lives…

23. The Women Species love small wooden squirrels. Make sure you give her one of those.

24. Lists. Everyone loves lists. That includes women.

25. You can tell a lot about a woman by the color of her clothes. Is she wearing red? Then she obviously loves fire trucks. Is she wearing black? Then Spiderman 3 was her favorite Spiderman movie out of the Spiderman trilogy.

26. Women love a man who is good at Boy Meets World trivia.

27. And finally, never forget to give a one arm hug at the end of a date. It shows you care, but not too much.

With these dating tips at your disposal, you are sure to have the ladies foaming at the mouth to be with you. There is no need to thank us, just give us money. We need money so we can get some women.

What’s up blog peeps?  I know what you all have been begging for.  Another mess of dating advice from me, Johnny Townsend.  A guru on what ladies love.  In this post, I will tell you exactly what to ask for and what each of her answers to your questions mean on the first date. 

So you finally work up the courage to talk to that fly honey you’ve had your eye on.  But what exactly do you say once you’ve conquered your fear and walked up to her and she’s staring at you with her beautiful eyes?  Have no fear, that’s what I’m here for. 

Here is what you should say on first approach.

“Hey, would you do me the honor of allowing me to buy you a drink?”

Here’s an example of what you probably shouldn’t say.

“Hey, would you do me the honor of allowing me to stalk you?”

So you just asked her if you can buy her a drink, now you await her answer.  But what exactly does each answer mean?  FEAR NOT FOR I AM HERE!!!

If she says…

“Sure.”    (this means you’re in, but she’s not completely sure about you.  Probably because of how your face looks)

“No thanks.”  (this means she’s not thirsty or she doesn’t find your X-Men tee shirt that appealing)

“Yes.”  (you will never hear this answer.  Disregard it.  If you do hear it, it’s more than likely some sick game she is playing)

So you’ve just bought her a drink.  But your job is not over my friends.  You must ask her yet another question….

“Would you do me the honor of letting me buy you dinner?”

Of course, as like before, she could answer in different ways…

“Nah I already ate.”  (she only used you to buy her that drink)

“You look like you’ve already ate enough.”  (she is a mean person and has just hurt my…err I mean your feelings)

“You smell.”  (you probably should have showered)

“You know what?  Sure.” (she’s depressed and is just glad to have attention from someone, also, could have daddy issues)

Then dinner arrives.  And it all goes extremely well.  You make her laugh.  You listen to everything she tells you.  It’s turning out to be a beautiful evening.  But everyone knows what that means.  It’s time to see if this is going to lead to anything else.  But what exactly do you ask for at her door?  Read on!!

“May I have a kiss?”

“May I come in?”

“I think American Idol is on.  May I watch it with you inside?”

All those questions rarely work.  So what do you say?  How do you get the girl of your dreams to realize you’re the prince charming she’s been waiting for?  Below is the line you MUST memorize.  It is a never fail line and soon you will be hand in hand with your dream girl. 

“I’m a bad boy with issues who you will want to change but won’t be able too.  Also I’m in a band.  And I need to borrow money.”

This never fails.  You follow my guide here, and you are guarenteed not to be alone on Valentine’s Day playing Call of Duty 5.  Or the new Wii Mario Brothers game.  Dang I love that game….

Do I have a low self-esteem? I don’t think I do. I think I have the most amazing self-esteem you could possibly have. Which is amazing considering I look like Chris Farley after he’s been beaten by a street gang of black guys. In this post, I shall try to give everyone an update on my dentist appointment. But my goal is that for every positive comment I make toward myself, I will also put a negative comment. I know this sounds backwards, but you’re rubber and I’m glue….I don’t remember how that ends but you’re stupid.

I finally got Dental insurance. This is amazing since it proves I am still employed, which I’m sure destroys many ongoing office pools. The amazing part about this is the fact that I haven’t been to a dentist since middle school. I thought I had amazing teeth considering, always brushing them and chewing gum. I was slightly nervous but managed to seem calm and collected on the outside. I can safely say this since I only peed myself a little bit.

Finally, I heard it. “Mr. Townsend?” My name came from the lips of a heavenly angel. A girl so beautiful my uglyness was highlighted being next to her. It was like Evangeline Lilly from ABC’s LOST leading around the hunchback of Notre Dame. As she laid me down on the chair, and looked over me with her hauntingly beautiful eyes I was in a trance. I was in love with this beautiful goddess. Then she jabbed my gums with sharp objects and the honeymoon was over. I was on the verge of wishing for gum disease. After she was done murdering my mouth, she told me what my x-rays said. She did so with the voice of a siren. If I was at sea I would of jumped overboard to get closer to the voice, only to smash into the rocks below.

I thanked her for being so brave to venture into my mouth, a place never ventured into before (please refrain from the homosexual jokes). Then she told me I had decent teeth considering I hadn’t been to the dentist since Clinton was in office leaving stains on dresses. She was insanely nice to me. The first woman to be nice to me. I was once told I should go put my head underneath a tractor tire, and that was by my mom (har har har, just kidding, my mom loves me). Here is a list of what some women have told me through the years.

“I really need you to go stick yourself into the mouth of a crocodile.”

“Look. I’m going to need you to stop talking to me.”

“I’m not even going to let you buy me free dinner.”

“Every time I see you, I wish you were someone more attractive.”

“I know you’re 26, but I think with technology now, you could still be aborted. And you should be.”

“You look like John Candy.” (my grandma actually said this one)

 

Now that I’ve told you those, I’ll tell you the positive things said to me, and all of them being from my mom.

“You’re handsome.”

“You’re going to have women coming after you in droves.”

“You could have any woman you want with your personality.”

 

See. Told you I would do both positive and negative comments. So did my John Candy looking tush ask anything of this hot dentist assistant lady? Heck no. I chickened out. That and her face gave all the signs of begging me not to start stalking her (I’ve seen that face enough to become an expert at recognizing it). So I said my goodbyes and walked out the door.

So what did we learn? Hmmmm…… I look like John Candy? No no that can’t be it. I’m one of those people who just looks like a creepy stalker that women think would slip a rufie to her? No no no. It’s that you can meet the most beautiful woman on the earth, and in the end, she’ll just make your gums hurt.

Has the upcoming election confused you? Don’t really know who to vote for? Do you feel yourself wondering what each candidate stands for? Have no fear my faithful reader, for I will tell you a little something about each candidate. This is where to come if you are an undecided voter.

 

1.

 

NAME: Barack Obama

NICKNAME: Barackie Boy, Mr. Suit and Tie, Sweet Cheeks

AGE: 47

POLITICAL PARTY: Democrat

MARITAL STATUS: Married. To a woman even.

 

LIKES:

long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners, scooters, the word “subliminal”, all three Shrek movies, Bruce Springsteen, the part in The Wizard of Oz that is in color, freeze tag, a cold refreshing Sprite, slowly letting America know he’s inexperienced.

DISLIKES:

old people, books, Quantum Leap, blondes, women, blonde women, anyone with the last name Clinton, blonde women with the last name Clinton.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Bring American troops back home. We’ll need them for when we invade the next country on the list (I’m looking at you, Iran)

-make health care affordable for those who could afford it.

-increase the minimum wage, thus raising the amount of money it takes to be considered poor.

-invade anywhere with global warming, since it is the real terrorist threat.

-make it so that every television station will run at least one commercial per half hour that shows how great Barack Obama is.

 

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 42

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

heat vision, super speed, flight, the ability to adapt and to say whatever pleases the group he just happens to be standing in front of, a really sweet looking cape.

 

2.

 

NAME: John McCain

NICKNAME: Cranky, Slow Poke, That One Guy From The Movie “Grumpy Old Men”

 

AGE: 72 (Mr. McCain wishes to inform the public that age is just a number)

 

POLITICAL PARTY: Republican

 

MARITAL STATUS: Has been married twice, once to his wife now, and once more back when he was involved in a love triangle with Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.

 

LIKES:

Matlock, Werther’s Originals, hard candy, social security, Medicare, pain medication, music before guitars were invented, driving 25 mph below the speed limit, Roy Rogers, Hardee’s breakfast, senior citizen discounts, waking up at 5:30 A.M.

DISLIKES:

Young people on his lawn, change, noise, music with drums, Vietnam, anyone with their original teeth, chewy food, 9:00 P.M, people not remembering the good ole’ days.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Defeat Terrorism. With his bare hands that he can’t raise above his head.

-Get rid of Rated R movies.

-Declare that everyone must own an “I Love My Grandpa” shirt.

-lower health costs on prostate exams.

-make 72 years old the new 40.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 63

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

yelling at young people, super strength, hip with the ability to break, supporting our troops while pointing out how no one else is, can take his teeth in and out of his own mouth.

 

 

 

3.

 

NAME: Johnny Townsend

NICKNAME: Shrekness, Bud, That Weird Guy Who Keeps Staring at Me

AGE: 25

POLITICAL PARTY: He represents all of America

MARITAL STATUS: Single, oh so very single…

LIKES:

America, chicken, girls who say they like him but only as a friend, basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, saving kittens stuck in trees, saving babies stuck in trees, being a people person, pretending to be President and learning how to handle being blamed for everything, Ford Mustangs, fast cars, fast women, slow women, smart women, dumb women, women with little or no standards, desperate women…(EDITORS NOTE: this goes on like this for another five or six lines, so I will fast forward it)….and blue women like on Star Trek

DISLIKES:

anyone who hates America, guns (unless you like guns then he does too), criminals, Nicholas Cage movies, Nickelback songs, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, Chinese checkers, he hates everything that you hate, unless you like that thing he hates, which in that case he likes it too…or hates it….wait did you say you liked it or hated it cause he totally agrees with you.

IF HE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-end world hunger

-make bad movies the new source of fuel, thus ending our gasoline crises by replacing it with a never ending source.

-he will end the pain women feel during child birth

-he will follow you to school and beat up those bullies who have been bothering you

-he swears to stop hurricanes in their tracks

-promises to rid the world of any movie that includes the words “Traveling Pants.”

-will replace the wheel with the triangle

-promises to acknowledge that he has no experience, but more than makes up for that with intelligence.

-promises to admit that he’s no intelligent.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: he claims to only wear tennis shoes that are made by 8 year old Korean children just like every other American.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

is a lot like Batman, minus the cool gadgets and skills and athletic ability, can leap tall pebbles in a single bound, his superb jumping ability allows him to complete many lay ups, thus allowing him to dominate any WNBA game.

 

 

 

There you have it. You’re three presidential candidates. Hopefully this little cheat sheet will help you in your decision.

On another note, I have been allowed to join the website http://humor-blogs.com/. This website lets you see a wide collection of humorous blogs. It also allows you to rank them. I am not above asking you to vote for me, since I could really use anything that could be construed as a small victory. So please go to that site (the link is on the side in my Blogroll). With your help, I can go from being ranked 796th overall to 782nd.

 

I thought I would end this helpful blog with a picture of the third candidate, Johnny Townsend, in action at a recent rally in Hickory, North Carolina.

In an effort to let my readers feel more connected to me, I told everyone at the start of this blog that I would be more personal. Recently, someone asked me a question that I had never been asked before. They asked me “why do funny guys want to stop being funny?”. I like to think of myself as “having a sense of humor” so I feel like an expert in this area. So let me count you the ways.

1. Women.

Yes, women. The opposite sex often dictates how we carry ourselves and/or the changes we make. We want to impress them or to make them notice us. So what do you do if you aren’t hot? Aren’t at least sort of ok looking? You grow your personality. One aspect of personality is having a sense of humor. I was in the sixth grade when I realized I had a gift. I was sitting in class when the teacher asked a question. Without thinking I raised my hand and said something sarcastic and slightly cynical. That’s when a star was born.

I didn’t have much luck with the ladies in school (I have even less luck now). I was relieved to find out I had a sense of humor. I was blessed with my shrekness (or my non jewish jonah hill look likeness) in middle school. It was because of this I knew I had to use what I thought was my best attribute: my humor. And it did work somewhat. I wouldn’t say I was overly popular (I am still bothered by not being elected class clown) but enough people found me humorous enough that I’d say I was middle ground popular.

But how does this relate to women? Well you see, women have always been this unobtainable thing for me. Kind of like my Noah’s ark or my Holy Grail. I have had the pleasure of some girls finding me somewhat ok enough to hang out with. They really enjoyed my humor. But guess what? That’s all I was wanted for. My humor was a blessing and a curse. The blessing was that I found something that I felt I was good at and made me feel somewhat ok about myself. The curse was that because of my humor and personality, I would forever be put into the friend only category. That dreaded zone full of nerdy glasses wearing men and butchish short haired women. My combination of hilarity and being actually nice works against me.

So why do funny guys sometimes stop being as funny? Reason number one is because it almost always automatically puts us into a category of which there is no escape.

 

2. The need to sometimes be taken seriously.

This is the other major reason why guys don’t want to always be known as the funny guy. Everyone wants to be taken seriously on some things. I use my humor a lot of the times to make points or observations (if you’re a loyal reader of this blog then you know this already). I had noticed that while people did enjoy my company, most did not even care to know what I thought about things. Most people just assumed I didn’t have an opinion on things that were on a deeper level. While I understand making jokes can give off that stigma, I like to think that if you have the ability you can make jokes that are deep and multi-layered.

My brand of humor can turn off some people. I get that. I accept that. Not everyone thinks the same way I do, and for that we should all be grateful. But just because I make jokes doesn’t mean that I do not have opinions. Actually, a select few people know that I can be quite deep in my thoughts. I do admit that I do purposely keep some aspects of that away from people, it is also the already made up minds of others who only see the surface of what I have to offer, and they don’t really feel like there is anything else there. I myself do the same thing with other people. But this blog post is to try to help you to understand why sometimes funny guys just don’t feel like being funny.

3. I’m going to end this third reason with a quote. Before I do, let me point out that I do enjoy making people laugh. Even though I have never done hard drugs (surprising I know), to me there is nothing that gives you a bigger high then when you are just rolling out jokes and people are responding with laughter. But, my humor is only a small aspect of me. Sometimes it overpowers everything else I am. I get that. I’m overly humorous. My wit is quick and sharp like a cheetah holding katana swords. If you ever wonder why a guy just stops being funny, there’s a good chance he hasn’t really stopped. He just feels like he’s being pigeon holed into a category. Besides, we know amazing humor gets you all the ladies…oh wait….

The award winning documentary Animal House said it best and I will end this post with this quote.

“fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.”